Today is the Day

A year ago today is the day that we got the call that Larry Ward had passed away. My husband was packed and had set the alarm for 3:30 in the morning to head down to Ft. McCoy to see his dad, but not minutes after the alarm went off, he got the call. January 14, 2017 was the day that Larry took his last breath. Last year, we had tickets to the Shreveport Orchestra. Since there was nothing we could do now but sort through the aftermath, Steve made the hard decision to go with me to the concert before heading south. It was a hard decision to make since in our 34 years of marriage, we had always jumped in the car, dropped everything, and showed up whenever anyone called. Our life had been about trying to minister to our family, and then my mother died. The week before she died, she had a stroke and was aspirating on her food. She needed me to jump in my car then, and I didn't. I was so angry at always being that person in the family. My siblings rarely showed up, and I thought it was their turn. We got the call  on January 5, 2015 that she wasn't going to make it and went to Florida. We were by her bedside as was my siblings when she left this world on January 6, 2015-Three King's Day. The whole situation impacted my life  in ways that I could not begin to verbalize here. I learned a lot about my self, my family, and  at that moment, I knew that my life had to change. I  fought anger for days and weeks and years after that loss. In an attempt to deal with those emotions, we walked away from who we were and quit answering those calls. I changed my number. I didn't and haven't talked to my brother since. Am I still angry,? No. Would I talk to him now, three years later? Yes, but really, we don't have anything to talk about. He may still be there person he was, but I am not the person I was.

As the 2017 year came to a close, and I began this 52 journey, I realized that all those moments of my 52 years, good and bad, have brought me to this moment in time. They formed me. Coming to terms with who I am because of where I have been is allowing me to move forward to the person I want to be. As I reflected on these memories, I knew that I wanted to honor the lives of those who have impacted our life. Larry's life impacted us. My mother's life impacted mine. Since Three Kings holds so many specific memories, it was a day I wanted to include in my new traditions.

This year's Three King's story begins with another story: My mom had this potbelly pig that according to my other brother wasn't supposed to get very big. This pig grew to be over 400 lbs. It was huge. My mom loved Georgia girl. She lived in the house with mom, a little Jim Walters house that was less than 800 sqft. We so picked on mom about that pig. We had to step over her to go anywhere in that house. She was a cranky thing too and would nip at your heels. It is such a funny memory now that I can't think of mom without thinking about that pig. So....this year, Three Kings was all about pigs. All the grands got one gift that was pig related. Vivie got a big eyed Ty pink pig, Aaron got a pig game, Seth got a Fisher Price farm book. Steve got me the greatest fluffy pink pig slippers and the cutest pig coffee cup.

That brings me to my sister. Our relationship hasn't been ideal. I was more of her go to than an equal. We spent a few years not really talking much even though we live about 15 minutes from each other. Stepping out of the "go to" role in her life has brought us to an equal footing. We are learning how to just be sisters. I knew my sister really struggled with  the loss of our mom, and I wanted to share my new tradition with her. I was trying to figure out what to get her. I had been looking at all things pig. I found pink tea mugs at Burlington, but somehow manage to break them by the time I got home. Hmm....looked up a crochet pattern and thought I would make her some slippers which was a bit ambitious. I even bought the yarn...maybe for her birthday, but in two weeks, not happening. I really wanted my sister to have a gift, the right gift.

Clearing out my email one day right after Christmas, I come across a Build a Bear ad. I browsed through it and discover their promise pets line, a pink pig! I was beyond excited. I instantly knew that was what I wanted to do. I read through it and found that I could order online and record a message. Steve had just emailed me the voice mail I saved from my mom. I am the only sibling that had that recording, and I wanted to share that with my sister. Long story short, I ordered us both a pig. I named them both Bobbie and gave them my mom's birth date, Nov. 13. I also recorded a personal message for Sonja as an intro to mom's message.

On Three King's Day, my sister came over for dinner. She walked in and saw this pig sitting on my couch. I watched her looking at it. I have no idea what was going through her mind at that very moment, but I walked over to it and picked it up. I handed it to my sister and told her it was hers. I picked mine up too. I told her we have twins! We played the recording. The emotion was evident on her face. It was the right gift at the right time.

We had hunky soup, King Cake, and Jello Cake (my sister's first time to make it like mom used to). A new tradition has been established. I loved everything about the day. It was a day of remembrance. New Year's Resolutions might be a thing for some people, but for me, looking back is looking forward.

Today is the day, not unlike any other day, but it is another day to remember where we have been so we know where we are going.

Oh Christmas Tree and Ode to New Traditions

 

 For years I have added Christmas ornaments for each of my grandbabies to my tree in whatever theme I was going with. At the end of the season, I pack those ornaments away for the day that they have families of their own and will be able to decorate their own trees.

This year, I read an article about creating new traditions in the light of a loss.  Because this year begins a new chapter in our life, I wanted to create new traditions. (Not necessarily throwing out the old ones, but choosing which to keep, and which to add). Just a few moments ago, a friend sent me a picture of a Christmas 8 years ago at my house. Our tree that year was construction themed, and sitting at our table (the same table) was my mom and Loyd. Time goes by so fast! I hadn't even remembered that my mom was with us that Christmas.

 This year I decided to add a new tradition, ornaments to commemorate the lives of those who are no longer with us. I didn't do a full size tree this year, but I stayed with a theme. In honor of our new camping life style, I went with a rustic theme. I managed to add ornaments for my grand babies, a few new ones of my own, and the commemorative ornaments-all to that little tree. I added a black bear (Larry), a cross made of olive wood with the Lord's Prayer in Spanish (Toni), a burlap map of Arkansas (Loyd), a Willow "The Love of Learning" (Melanie), and a pig (mom) all to my little 3 ft tree. Each of these ornaments represents a life and a story. I will pack these ornaments away too and next year choose a different set which will tell a different story. (Larry-yours next year may be apple pie. I am liking the idea of a food themed tree!). I may be in my camper next Christmas, but will still make room for this new tradition.

The short story I submitted to the contest  I mentioned in an earlier post was a Christmas story. The contest closed Christmas Eve (I will be checking that in just a moment to see if the winners have been announced). I toiled over what to write about. I wanted to do a historical fiction and did some research to that end. I wanted to include Louisiana in there. I wanted to get Three Kings in there, but in the end, I wrote about what I knew. I wrote a story about change. I wrote a story that looks forward to this new chapter of my life.

Christmas Epiphany

Lisa, a Florida born navy brat, hadn’t spent her 52 years celebrating Christmas in all the traditional ways. Yes, there were years when the extended family gathered and enjoyed a Christmas dinner together, but her family was built to wander. Most military families are. Celebrating Christmas takes on new meaning when Christmases are spent away from family or among cultures with traditions alien to what you know.

This year with Christmas fast approaching, Lisa couldn’t help but think on all these past experiences and wonder what lay ahead. Now that all the children had grown and established their own traditions, what should she do? Should she dig out all those Christmas decorations from the storage shed?  Should she hang stockings, lights, or continue with a themed Christmas tree?  Was it all really necessary?

For years, she had attempted to create Christmas family traditions that focused on Jesus’ birthday. When the kids were little, there was a birthday cake for Jesus and the hiding of baby Jesus throughout the month of December.  She had loved the idea that they had spent the season looking for Jesus. They opened their presents on Christmas Eve and their Christmas stockings Christmas morning.  She smiled when she considered all those Christmas mornings she woke up early to lay those stockings on the foot of her children’s beds.  She had hoped some of those traditions would spill over in to her grandchildren’s lives too. Maybe her children would celebrate Christmas in some of the same ways they had as children. She sighed. Maybe not.

With her feet tucked under a blanket and coffee in hand, she thought about it all. This year no one would be coming home. Her mom had been gone for a few years now, passing away on January 6, Three King’s Day, a day she had enjoyed celebrating with her sweet Spanish friend. That friend is gone now too. Father in law, Aunts, Uncles, Friends, so many had passed on. Everything had changed. She had changed. Traditions that had seemed so important no longer did. She needed new traditions, traditions that reflected this new life she was living.

Her mind wandered back to sweet memories of Three King’s Day celebrations, three simple gifts, her friend, her mom, past regrets and future hopes. She reflected on what had mattered the most. She longed to explore, to reach for what she couldn’t yet see, but knew was out there, somewhere.  Isn’t that what the Kings’ did? They set out on a quest, expectant, believing, and hopeful. She gazed outside her camper window at the morning sun peeking through the trees.  Glancing left, she spotted the barely visible North Star on the horizon. She put on Christmas music. She thought about putting up a tree and setting out the nativity scene, but she called her dad instead.  Legend says it took the kings two years to find baby Jesus. Maybe she could find what she was looking for in just one. 

Table Fetish?

Anyone who knows me knows I have this thing about tables. I always seem to have an abundance of them. Just this week, three different tables have occupied this very spot. Earlier this week, a little drop leaf with two Windsor chairs took up space here. I picked that one up this past summer when I realized we were moving back into our house and no longer owned a breakfast table. My former breakfast table  (definitely one of my all time favorites) now lives at my son's house. My little drop leaf found a new home just a few days ago. The space sat empty for a few days until we moved our newest table, a square counter height table with two bar stools into the breakfast room. That was a temporary move. That table is moving to a new home next week.
The table in my breakfast room had been sitting in storage for several months, before that, it lived at my sister's house, but before that, it had a long history at my house. As a matter of fact, hidden under this table cloth are scars that have more than a few stories to share. Stories that include homeschooling not only my children, but a little boy named Joshua that lost his life to cancer at six years old and a middle school aged girl who was struggling in public school. Her mom and I became the best of friends, sharing a cup of coffee and our lives at this same table. She is gone too-cancer also. This table has moved with us from house to house. We have shared birthdays, holidays, and family dinners all at this table. I completed my bachelors and master's degree at this same table. We planned my daughter's wedding around this table. We have fed missionaries and pastors at this table. My brothers, sisters, mother, nieces, nephews, and grandson have eaten at this table. It has seen hours of homework, sewing late into the night, tie dyeing, painting, and Play-Do creations.
Today, we went and got this table out of storage. I scrubbed it for two hours, and each minute of that time, I thought about this table and all the moments around it. We are going to have one more Christmas meal at this table. One more time before the chairs go live at another home and the table goes back into storage until my daughter is ready to refinish it. One more...one more table...and I finally realized what my obsession with tables is about. It isn't the table. It is what the table represents.  Tables are gathering places. They are places where memories are made. They are places where we live our life and share our stories. This table has lived about 25 years now. I hate to replace it, but I have to. My father in law's table is calling to me. It is an old table too-a Formica table with padded rolling chairs. I will need to scrub that one too, but as I do, I will think about all the moments we shared with him around that table. He is gone now, but the table is going to continue to live...at my house.
Hi, my name is Tina, and I have a table fetish. I am not in denial, and I don't need help to get over it. I am just going to sit down here at this table and plan the last Christmas meal I will share around it (That is until it finds new life at my daughter's house).

Not A Solo Venture

Today is December 16, almost one full month past my birth date. Not that that fact is any way important except that nearly 4 weeks of my 52 have already been used up. In these nearly four weeks, I have experienced some firsts (some not even on my list-UBER for example).

Two weekends back I took a trip to Austin, Tx with a group of teacher friends from Stanley. We went to go see comedian Eddie B. I haven't spent much time going to comic shows, can only recall a few times and nothing on this scale. I can't say it is something I ever want to do again, but I did enjoy the fellowship with people I dearly love. We had numerous conversations that weekend that usually began with, "Have you ever...and ended with me adding to my 52 list,. One of those conversations was, "Have you ever been to a Buc-ees? Me, "no," hence a pit stop at a Buc-ees. For those of you who don't know, it is a very large truck stop. I was impressed and wandered around the store for quite some time. I parked in the farm decor section and after much inner debate settled on a cast iron see no evil, hear no evil, speak no evil pig hook for our camper which takes me to another story....the camper.

The camper represents this new direction we are moving in, but we realize that looking forward requires we also look backwards. We didn't get here by ourselves. We did't come to realize that choosing life was indeed a choice until we faced the truth of loss. Those loses continue to impact our living. I want to remember where we come from. I don't want to forget what we have learned. Every step of this 52 will be a redefining. Fast forward to today.

Today, my sweet friends and I went to an Escape Room. That was on my list. I hadn't done that yet. I told my friends Lyn and Vanessa-we spend all three of our birthdays together every year- that I wanted to do that this year. Two others, Jenny and Martha, joined us too. Five of us, all teachers, tried our hand at solving the puzzles and getting out of the Asylum. It was not at all what I expected, but we worked hard at figuring out, but did't make it in time. (I actually knew it would be tough for me because I am in no way a fast thinker!) Teachers, Asylum, we felt at home! It was a lot of fun and definitely something we want to do again, but that adventure isn't really what stuck with me today, what did was an epiphany-I am not alone in this new journey.

I began this 52 list with the thought that I wanted to live a life without regrets, but this list isn't just about me. It is about all the lives I share and how all of our lives are interconnected. Each item on this list involves someone else. I really began understanding that when the writing of a short story got me looking for a writing contest. I found one and told Kat about it. She jumped in and wrote a story, and she began blogging again, and she began thinking about her book again. I am thrilled. What I thought was happening was "me" exploring my new direction, but it wasn't just about me. It was also about her.  Her story is really good, and  I almost didn't write one because of hers, but I did write and I submitted it. (I will share mine a little closer to Christmas). Despite how it turns out, we shared a moment. We created a memory. We did that today too at The Asylum. We did that in Austin, and we did that last week at the camp ground. We will continue to do that with every new step. That "we" might just be my husband and I. It might be a friend I haven't seen in awhile. It might be one of my children or a grandchild.  It might be an old trusted friend, or maybe a new friend. Whoever shares these individual moments with me, I know this...this is not a solo venture.

One Week Later

Its official. I have been 52 for exactly 7 days. Today is November 26-the last day of my Thanksgiving break. Like so many other Sundays, going to sleep is nearly impossible. I am not really feeling anxious, and I do take meds to help my brain at night, yet here I sit at 10:44 pm with a cup of hot sleepy time tea composing since sleeping is not an option right at this moment.

Since I have begun this 52 journey and so many things on my list are not really things I can accomplish in a week, let me talk about what this past week has meant. First: I got started memorizing the book of James (and am up to 1:6), and at the same time got to work on memorizing "Annabelle Lee" by Edgar Allen Poe. Beginning that process has already changed my thoughts. I spend less time thinking about situations or things in general because those moments are used to memorize. Memorizing is a kindred spirit to meditating, so I think on what I am memorizing...while I do laundry, cook dinner, make the bed, clean the bathroom,...

I also took time out this week to begin really learning chess. I bought a book. I googled. I played a game or two on my iPad with my built in instructor, and then I went to a real game board. My husband and I tried one of the classic opening moves with the counter moves. That changed everything. That game took hours, and we finally called it a draw. It was challenging and interesting. I am looking forward to mastering the game (which I am thinking may take many years).

We bought a lottery ticket. Yes, we did. We discovered on Monday of last week that Wednesday of the same week was the draw. We learned a little about how it is all done and stopped by our Circle K to get a ticket. I approach the counter and tell the clerk that I want to buy a lottery ticket. She asked which one. I responded with, "I  don't know. It's my first time." Both clerks stopped and looked at me with such a puzzled look that I found myself wanting to giggle. Next, they made recommendations. We picked three power ball tickets, a lotto ticket, and a scratch. Total cost: $8.00. Total win: $0. No big deal there; I spend more on coffee than I did on those tickets. It was fun to speculate, but I know that the probability of winning a power ball is ridiculously unlikely with 1,564,031,349 different number combinations for the first five digits. I am more likely to get eaten by a shark or struck by lightning.

Next on the list: writing every day. Some days I write in a short story starter book. That has begun the creative juices flowing again so much so that I looked up writing contests. I plan to enter one for Christmas...just a 500 word one, but an entry none the less. That got me thinking about what I wanted to write. I am leaning towards historical fiction which of course led to research. Where would I set my story and when? New Orleans, maybe, at Christmas? What traditions might be included? Research, research, research. Writing every day also includes journaling about Scripture which made me start thinking of the SOAP method and all the other methods for analyzing Scripture that I have been taught. I chose SOAP and jumped in.

All of these ideas are bouncing around in my head and then the question of how. How do I take dance lessons? Turns out there is a studio here that I can do just that. Add dance lessons to my January list. What about zip lines and jazz clubs and out door music festivals? Yes, those are on the list too.

One more thing-we want to travel. I want to travel. Yellowstone, Dollywood, Arlington National Cemetery, Chicago, and the list goes on. Black Friday, while other people are fighting the crowds to buy tvs, we decide to check out some RV's we have been looking at online. That decision was prompted by the camper we inherited but are unable to sell because of the water damage. They offered us a trade. We took it. We are now the proud owners of a 2018 Heartland Mallard 32 ft bunkhouse. That story could stop there, but it won't. It is something else to learn and experience. First weekend trip is in two weeks. We didn't just talk about it; we booked a camp site. We started gathering what we will need. We have been to the camper twice in the last two days (we have owned it two days), and we are reading, and we are learning. (Steve is learning; I am decorating and organizing)

Learning is life. Changes begin with one step, and that is what this 52 list is accomplishing, already, just one week in. It is a conscious decision to be different. One week in, 51 more to go.

Small Adventures

Some times when I think about changes that I want and need to make in my life, I forget that really, it isn't the big things that have the most impact, it is all the little ones that stack up minute by minute to create a life well lived. My 52 list isn't just about those big things; it is so much more than that.

One of the items on my list was to color my hair in an unnatural way. That may seem like nothing, but it is something I wouldn't normally do. I usually go with something very close to my natural color. My students and friends suggested everything from blue, to gray, to rainbow, but when I considered my options, red seemed a good choice because I can still work without it being an issue. My hairdresser chose a burgundy kind of red and layered it underneath, blending it in on my ends. She did a marvelous job, and I love it. It is different, even down to the curls she put in (Not that I am going to spend time curling my hair every day...!!!). 

Maybe coloring my hair isn't a radical change, but it did give me a sense of accomplishment. I did something I don't normally do. I gave my hairdresser freedom to be creative, and I trusted myself to be ok with the outcome (She did remind me that it is just hair color, and either way it can be fixed!).

Somehow making a decision to make a 52 list has already changed me. Not only did I have my hair colored today, but yesterday, I also bought a book on chess and studied some rules of the game. I spent time as we ran errands learning about the game and discussing what I was learning with my husband. Steve and I played a game last night using some of the new information we learned (just saying...playing with purposeful moves and counter moves was very challenging, and thinking I could master chess in a year may be a little ambitious). Today, I began memorizing the book of James which at three verses a week will take just under 40 weeks, and at my daughter's suggestion, chose Annabelle Lee as the piece of literature I will be memorizing.  All decisions to better myself by changing how I spend my time and resources.

I could be doing so many things or nothing at all, but each new learning experience is an adventure, and each small adventure will stack on every other until I have built a year of firsts. I am strangely excited about every new possibility.

52 List

The last time I blogged in 2010, I wrote about value and the realization that stuff is just that-stuff. A lot has happened in our life since that moment. Let me just recap: I finished my MAT from LA Tech and went to work for Stanley High School. I have since then moved to Haughton High School. We worked on remodeling our home which became an overwhelming and never ending chore. We leased our home to friends and moved into an apartment. We downsized. We lost my mom. We lost Margie and Steve's dad. I lost two very dear friends to cancer. Relationships were broken. We were disappointed and hurt over and over and over. We decided that we needed to let some people go in order to find our own way. We changed churches-twice. We lost another great man that I counted as a dad. We even lost our dog, Maggie. We gained a precious grand daughter and a long awaited grandson. The Lord gives and He takes away. Every relationship has impacted our life in some way, but the stuff in our life is still that, stuff.

We find ourselves full circle. We are back in our house, trying to work on it and repair it, but that feels pointless in light of the city's intent to buy our property. We still have stuff to weed through from our parents and an estate to settle. All we really want to do is sell everything and go on a road trip, and that adventure is calling our name. We have started clearing out and selling what we don't need. We are praying for both the houses and the inherited camper to sell this school year. We made some steps toward downsizing 3 years ago, but now we are serious.

Today is my 52nd birthday. The weeks leading up to this birthday had me thinking...its time to live. Its time to experience some of those things that keep getting put on the back burner. I started a 52 list-a list of 52 things that I haven't done yet in my lifetime that I might want to try. Some are simple things and others involve taking a trip. Some involve stretching my mind, others my body, others my will. This year may be the year I finally find some element of balance in my life. It might be the year that I learn to love myself unconditionally and let go of some of the pain and rejection that has haunted me. As I sit here knowing the house needs dusting, the laundry is piled up, papers need grading, and there is a host of unfinished projects everywhere I look, I have to ask myself, what does any of that matter if all my life is about "doing" and not about "living"?

First thing on my 52 list: Blog again