Change and more change

We spend alot of our quiet moments together talking about what we want to do differently in our lives. Change is inevitable, but are we willing to really change? Change has not been my strong point AT ALL. I am strong willed but don't often have the resolve to accomplish what is really needed. They tell me that acknowledging the problem is half the battle-it is then when change can occur. So, here we are...needing to make change.

On the way down to San Antonio, I was reading a book on dating your spouse. In the book was a list of men's top five needs and women's top five needs. There wasn't much surprise in the list, but I did realize that in an attempt to meet his need, I was neglecting my own. I wasn't vocalizing and hence, spent some time frustrated. (one of the things we talked about this weekend) I have not been totally committed to meeting my husband's needs either. I was up and down on that one. Let me preface that statement with -just recently I finished reading a different book, and one of the points that stuck with me from that one is the importance of our thought life. I can choose where I let my thoughts go. Sometimes they wander where they should not or focus on things that are destructive-at those points, I have to redirect them. Redirecting my thoughts allows me to focus where I should and hence meet my husbands needs. It isjust too easy to be selfish in a marriage.

Back to where we are at today. We decided that we so need to go to the gym. It has been way too long now. We are not getting any younger and this is a time in our life to regroup. So, I went shopping yesterday for gym clothes and new shoes for Steve. Mission accomplished there-we met at the gym after I got off work. We walked a few laps and then worked the elliptical. My goodness!!!!-I was ready to quit after 2 minutes! He, on the other hand, was steady, barely broke a sweat...and I am slowing down, speeding up, slowing down-legs screaming! :) We did that for about 20 minutes and then cooled down with some stretches. We weighed ourselves before all of this so we would have our starting point. Our goal...2 pounds a week until our anniversary which will put us at our goal weights right about then. We have to make some diet adjustments as well so last night we had raisin bran, and this morning a special K bar. We will have our main meal at lunch which gives us time to burn those calories off. I am excited!

We have done diet stuff before, we have talked about changes before, but this time we are together. We are communciating about all of our needs, emotional, spiritual, and physical. All have their place in our relationship. Communication strengthens every area of our marriage, and is where we need to grow and change the most.

Learning to Live

So much of life isn't really about living, it is about existing. One of the reasons we are taking these little excursions is to refocus our life on ourselves. You can live a lifetime with someone and not really know them. You can talk and talk and talk and not really hear.

This is our second couple trip we have taken since our plunge into empty nesting (howbeit, not really empty around here). We hadn't been to San Antonio in about ten years, and were excited about going back! We spent our days with our friends, catching up with them, just visiting, and eating and eating and eating. I sware I have gained poundage! In the evening we took time for us. Those moments gave us time to reflect, to talk, and work things out in our life.

My brother was over yesterday and chatting about commitment and what it takes to be married as long as we have. People don't always know what is going on behind our closed doors. We don't argue in front of people. We deal with our conflicts in private, but the conflicts do exist. The biggest area we have struggled with is communication with each other-real communication-not about our days, the kids, or solving the worlds' problems, but our own insecurities, our own pain hidden deep in our hearts, our disappointment, the expression of what we really need. Much too much has been left unsaid and now we are learning to share it with one another. At one point during this weekend, my husband said, "I just want to get to know you again." It is different, this time of life. We have to keep reminding ourselves that it isn't about our children anymore. They get to live their lives how they want to, we get to let go and let them do that, and we in turn also get to live our lives without the responsibility of caring for someone else. It has been quite liberating in both a mental and physical sense.

I reminded my hubbie during our weekend that I can't compartmentalize. I can't shut things out of my mind just because I will it. I can't turn it off and on when I choose like he can. My mental state affects my entire being, hence, pre-empty nesting, I was always worrying about our children (didn't fully enjoy the just us moments because my mind was still on our responsibilities). Not that I don't still worry a bit, not that I don't still hurt, don't still cry, I do-but am learning to just let God, let go, and live my life! I might be a slow learner-but I CAN learn! Loving it......loving my time with my husband, loving exploring new things with him, going on new adventures, can't wait till the next one but....

this one first....Randolf AFB is gorgeous. The architecture is very hispanic. I couldn't go anywere without hearing someone speaking Spanish, which reminded me how lazy I have been on that one, and it also reminded me that in our remodel, I didn't plan a place for my "Spanish" things. Hmmm...thinking the blue room isn't going to be blue for long. While at our friends home, I colored with Edith, played with playdoh, drank lots of coffee, Spanish style, and thoroughly enjoyed just hanging out with my friend as she taught me about autism! Steve hung out with Clay and they talked and talked and talked. We attempted to go to the Riverwalk on Friday, but it was ridiculous-all of San Antonio was down there, so we went back to the room and went to bed, really early. Saturday we went to the Riverwalk again. It was better but still crowded. We walked around a bit and then went back to the mall to the IMAX to watch the Alamo. We browsed a few stores and then headed back to the car. We got stuck in a traffic jam in the parking garage. That was a first! After a ridiculous amount of time in traffic, we went back to our room. I had forgot that I can't have expresso after about 3 pm, and had had one earlier with Toni about 4 which robbed me of any sleep Saturday night. I was up till 3 amish. We watched movie after movie till I finally gave it up! We got up Sunday morning just in time to pack up and get checked out on time and go by Toni's to visit one last time. After all that we headed to Ihop and the caverns. Ihop was hopping!!! There was a guy making balloon animals for the kids-watching him was amazing! The caverns weren't far down the road and there we took a tour of these amazing underground caverns. The amount of water under there astounded me. I thought it was going to be dry, but everything was wet, the walkways, the handrails, and we even got rained on undergound-another first!

Then we headed home, a 7 hour drive. Channel surfing, name that tune, coke and a shared moon pie pretty much sums up the drive. Along the way we passed Palestine, Tx which boasts of a train-gonna have to check that out. We are already planning our next trip. We are considering a bed and breakfast in Nachotiches right before Christmas. We have been talking about a bed and breakfast our entire life, but like so many other things, just put it aside. Think we might do that now! We also made some decisions about u,s and tonight we are going to the gym together! We are going to work on making that a regular habit..learning....to live!

Branson, Finally!

After multiple attempts to take a trip to Branson, we finally made it, but not without a few bumps. We arrived last Thursday evening about 5:30 pm, got settled in our hotel room, took a quick survey of the city, and found a place to eat. While sitting there, enjoying our shrimp, the phone rang.
Our house was flooding again. Tonia was scrambling and Jon and Kat were on their way. We called my brother who also made his way. That was the most helpless feeling-trying to communicate by phone, 7 hours away, while our house was in danger. I felt horrible that we couldn't do anything but wait while our family was hard at work to secure everything. They did an amazing job by the way, and for the most part very little was lost. Our house itself didn't flood this time, but the yard and shed did. Water rose to about 2 ft (half of its height last round)-just enough to get in the main shed and soak everything in there.
That is how we spent our Thursday evening, watching the weather, waiting for phone calls and praying the water level would diminish. Friday morning we get another call, one of the dogs has attacked the cat. My, my, we were about to regret leaving the city! My brother carried the cat to the vet who spent the weekend kennelled. To make a long story short-all turned out well. The cat survived; our budget did not. I feel like I am working to pay vet bills right now. We can't seem to get ahead on those, and then...got a reminder card that Maggie is due for shots. She is so going to have to wait!
Despite all of the distractions, we had a great time. We took a train ride, drove to Springfield to visit the Bass Pro there, sat in the hotel hot tub way past midnight, and visited the Titanic museum-all must sees in my book.
In just a few weeks we are off again to San Antonio, and can't wait for that one either. Maybe this time we will be barred any disasters, natural or otherwise!

Condensing....so to speak

I keep trying to streamline my life, get everything into managable bites, do what I can do with what I have, so you may of noticed that this is the only blog accessible. Not really feeling like writing, could be that I am so taxed right now with school, housekeeping, house reconstruction, school observations, my case study, but there is light-BRANSON.

Every time we have planned a trip for us something has happened. I think we have planned a Branson trip every year for the last five or six. Right after we confirmed this one, we started having pet issues which has really ate into our income. Hundreds of dollars later, because other people's pets run away or just die, but not ours. They just cost us thousands of dollars-makes me wonder what in the world we are doing. The benefit does not outweigh the cost AT ALL. We are seriously coming to the end of this pet thing. We are about to pack them all up and drop them off anywhere, somewhere....other than here.

As we are preparing for this little gettaway, I am both excited and anxious. Our resources are not endless, and we are at the point where frugality is in order, but not the time I want to resurrect my frugal spirit. My hubbie's birthday is tomorrow, and I want to do something, and Branson is next week, and I want to go and do.....[sigh]...not really about all of that. It is just about us, being together and sharing our life. There is nothing we really need right now, except time.

Keeping Love Alive!

Ways to Keep Your Love Alive
By Gary Smalley

1. Praise is such a great gift, and it's so easy to give. So look at the things that make your spouse and others unique and develop the habit of praising them for those special things.

2. Every painful trial is like an oyster, and there is a precious pearl—a personal benefit—in every one; every single one.

3. Don't go it alone. Welcome fresh insights of other perspectives—from extended family, friends, good marriage books, or a qualified marriage counselor.

4. In a mutually satisfying relationship, both people's needs are expressed, and they have the flexibility to give and take.

5. Honor goes hand in glove with love, a verb whose very definition is doing worthwhile things for someone who is valuable to us.

Perusing and Purpose

I am so not a morning person and after a day of run, run, run, some slow down time is in order. This morning I kind of rolled out of bed (only because I needed a trip to the potty) and then sat down to check mail before Caitlyn woke up. I get online devotions and sometimes I hit links inbedded in the mail. This morning I went to one of the author's pages and persused through that. I discovered a 3 part article of marriage. They were short so I printed them.

While I was doing that, my hubbie was getting ready for work. I am still in my pjs which I plan to be in for a hot minute this morning (they are cute anyway, and I am not indecent!) He bent over to kiss me goodbye and.......(so not telling). He came back in just a minute ago to change his shirt so I got to see him (and kiss him) again this morning!

I went and got the article off the printer and set about reading it. (Caitly is up now so it is a little more challenging doing anything!) The article brings out some points that Steve and I have already discovered in our relationship, but because we are creatures of habit, don't always implement. We KNOW what we need to do, but life gets in the way, and that is STILL true even at this stage of our relationship.

She, Mary Southerland, says in part 2, "We all exchange our lives for something. We just need to make sure that the exhange is a worthy one." She is taling about the busy schedules, the things we invest in that become our lives. After all minutes turn into hours, hours into days, and days into years-before we know it, we have lived our life, and it is coming to a close. Our life is busy-with rebuilding the house, having house guests, working and going to college, yep, busy, and it always has been (as far back as I can remember). That busyness gives way to exhaustion, and there is no more time left over for us as a couple. So....we did indeed make a decison this past year.

This time is for us. We are going to spend it doing what we do together. We are rebuilding our house together. (Now, if he would only do my homework!) We are having to say no more often, step back from church ministry more often than we used to (remembering that we are only two people), and having to separate ourselves from relationshps that "suck the life out of us." We have a lot of those, and those relationships rob from our time, our energy and our thought life and keep us from enjoying what should be intimate times in our relationships. We are having to purpose in our life that we will put our marriage first, and we will say no to whatever gets in the way of our "us."

Here are the points Southerland makes in "Making Marriage Work."

1. When the going gets tough, stay put.

2. Accept your mate and change yourself.

3. Spend time alone with your mate.

4. Laugh a lot.

5. Guard your mind.

6. Make communication a priority.

7. Discover your mate's love language.

8. Meet your mate's sexual needs.

9. Become your mate's strongest fan.

10. Cultivate replenishing relationships.


You can read the entire article at: http://www.marysoutherland.com/content/view/45/65/


You and Me baby...You and Me! (And Branson in two weeks! Yay! Finally!)

Home Improvements

I know, I know...fourth blog entry today. No, don't have THAT much time on my hands. I am actually sitting in my bed next to my hubbie who incidentally is reading my blogs on his iphone while I am browsing around on the web. I was actually reading some Gary Smalley articles, and one caught my attention.

My husband and I have been remodeling our home now for about a year and a half. Much of our time is spent either building, fixing, or discussing how to build and how to fix. Our conversations are monopolized by such things as: What tub to buy, is that flooring going to hold, you sure left a big gap for me to caulk, is that primed and ready to be painted, etc...Many couples have told us that they would have killed their spouse had they of had to remodel an entire house together under such drastic circumstances. Admittedly, there have been moments when it was just a little bit tense, but all in all, we have grown closer because of it. This article I caught just a sec ago was about home improvement, so I have to share it, because it so fit us!!! (except for the part about a conservatory-none of that in our house plans!)

Increase your marital satisfaction through home improvements
Posted on 08 August 2007.

Home improvements might not sound like a good way to help your marriage be stronger, but you might be surprised. There are actually several ways home improvements can help your marriage. First, you get to go through the trauma of home improvements together. Going through anything difficult always brings couples closer together, especially when they see the difficulty as an opportunity to grow. Secondly, you can create a space for the two of you to simply “hang” out and relax together. Anglian products actually has these really cool Conservatory items that allow you to enjoy the outdoors without having to deal with the bites and other irritations of being outdoors (Like if you live in Houston and you don’t want to be attacked by the killer squadrons of mosquitoes!).

Regaining Intimacy

Intimacy is so much more than physical touch. This new era in my life has me thinking about communication. Learning to communicate in such a way that both parties hear what is being said is just not that easy. People go into conversations with preconceived notions and have opinions of their own so in reality-very little listening is going on.

I find that to be true in many of my relationships, on my end, and on the other party end. I have something I want to say so I am trying to get it out, and the other person is doing the same thing. We aren't really communicating-we are listening to our own ideas.

My husband and I are learning to rethink the way we live. We are changing the way we interact. This is a time for that kind of reflection. Where have we been? Who are we? What do we want to be as individuals and for each other? I ask these questions of myself because I know that so much of our life has been focused on other people, not on each other. We have continually struggled to make our personal relationship a priority when the demands of life pull us in so many other directions.

This empty nest....that is what it is about...Him and I. Us. Not what others want or need from us or for us, but what we want and need from each other. Marriage is an honorable estate, second only to our relationship with God. With that in mind, nothing else should take precedence. In our relationship EVERYTHING else has been important, raising our children, supporting their endeavors, financing them AND their endeavors, extended family members and their situations, serving others that God allows in our life, ministries...I could go on, but in allowing those demands to take a front row seat, we have lacked in meeting some of each other's basic needs...but we recognize that, and we are regrouping. We are turning our hearts back towards each other. The other things...they have always been there....and always will....they can wait.

Change, Change, Change....Letting Go

There is so much change in my life all the time! I confess that I don't do change well. I like routine, same-o stuff. I used to have my routine down to an art-my preflood days. Now I kind of drift and attempt to get something done in the morning. Some days I am successful, and some days I am not. I would be better at it, if I was following a routine, but in my current position-seems impossible.

This is definitely another change time in my life. It is a continual lesson in letting go. When I go to the prison ministry, one of the whiteboards in our meeting room has the Serenity Prayer written on it. It is a reminder to them, and to me, to change what you can and accept what you can't!

This reminder was punctuated yesterday as I took a few moments to start a new book my husband just read, Sheet Music. My husband is much better at change than I am and is always looking for ways to improve himself. He has spent our marriage reading marriage books. I have read, let me count, 2. In my defense, I have read lots of Christian living, mothering, wife books, but not so much specific books on marriage and the intimacy of that relationship. I wasn't a few pages into the first chapter when I knew I needed to make a change. The question then arises in my mind how? Will we get through this phase of our life, not just the part where it is just him and I, but the reconstruction of the house during this particular time of our life. The house is so much work, all the time. Did we really want to rebuild it at a time when we should be traveling, seeing the world together, popping in on the kids and grandkids, the fun stuff?

At last....not much choice there. We have to rebuild the house. To do less would be ludicrous, but finding a way to do that, everything else in our life, and grow our relationship.....how do we do that ALL at one time! Looks like I need to let go of some things and make some changes. Only so much time in one day!