Value

What really matters? It sure isn't stuff. Going through these past two years has been a lesson in just that. The night of the flood, I kept reminding myself that it was just temporal. We lost alot, and it really wasn't the stuff that was the issue, not so much the loss, but the wedding through it all. It was the clean up, the chaos, the incredible mess that lay before us that was overwhelming and brought tears. How would we ever do this, I had no idea, but we did.

We did. We tore out walls, floors, looked inside spaces that were just gross. Water bugs falling out of the ceiling, rats running under the couch, oen walls and floors meant all kinds of critters, mold, and more mold, wet insulation, warped paneling...pretty nasty.

And cars...we sure went through the cars. To count we have gone through 6 vehicles and are in two new ones. That wasn't all flood mind you, three were wrecked. Nonetheless, it is the first time in our life that we have owned two really dependable vehicles. I am loving it, but lest I forget what is really important, God gives us opportunity to share them, and we do. We remember the other days, the ones when we didn't have a good vehicle. We remember the days when we were solo. There didn't seem to be any help in sight, but God hadn't abandon us. He brought us through and He provided.

We are nearing the end of this adventure. We are taking the walls out of the last room that has to be done. It has been just over two years. The walls have dried out and so has the insulation, but the mold is there. The outside of the house looks pretty rough and neglected being as so much of our attention has gone into the inside. I guess we really aren't nearing the end...just the end of a phase, but my what we have gained.

We have grown as people, as a couple, and as Christians. We understand what it means to rely on God and trust what we can't see. So little phases us. We just know God has it, and no matter what it looks like, we just know...it isn't about us, it is about God. There is peace in that. God has so provided our every need. We have more income than we have ever had. We are able to share our resources, our time, and our ability and really....that is the best part of the adventure. Another need...not a blink...what matters, what is of greatest value? It isn't stuff. It is sharing with others what God has given to us, and when we do, we get to give back to God, and when we do, He keeps giving. That is value.

School Is Out

My goodness, I could not have imagined how hard I would work and how exhausted I would be. These past few months have been a blurr as I have studied, planned, dealt with students very much set in their own patterns of thinking, my own homework, my relationships.....and I could keep going, but enough already!

I went into this situation as a learning opportunity, not sure how it would turn out, and honestly, there were quite a few moments when I just wasn't sure that high school math was going to be my thing. I certainly love a challenge, but attitude, attitude, attitude, all day every day-just a bit tough. Lesson planning got easier, but the day never seemed to go according to the plan. It made me wonder about the point of it all! Looking back on it, I am so thankful for all the experiences of my lifetime that led me to this point and the support of my greatest fan, who never lets me forget that teaching is my purpose in life; it is what I was created to do; it is living in my sweet spot. I have a new contract and new challenges before me as I plan this summer. Prayer is where I am going to start. I looked over my roster yesterday before I finished up and took a moment to start praying for my kids....the ones I have already shared with and those I expect to have next year. I packed up my teacher manuals, the school handbook, and anything else that looked helpful. I have to master Algebra I, Algebra II, Geometry, Advanced Math, my calculator and my smartboard! My mission: to get it all straight in the two months I have and go in ready to make a difference.

On a personal note: I am so glad to have some me and hubby down time. I didn't have to rush out the door this morning which gave us some time together, and then there is lunch and dinner together. It isn't all the big things which I treasure, but the small moments that turn into a lifetime. I see a datenight in our very near future!

Horse Anyone?

We are considering "horse power!" After all, they have to be just as durable and cost efficient. Two wrecks in two weeks. Steve goes most of his life without any accidents, and here we are in a two week stretch. Maybe his reflexes are slowing...hmmm...food for thought!

2 weeks this Sunday, we plowed into a truck doing about $9,000 worth of damage to our jeep. We however got out with barely a

scratch. That was our first air bag experience. That next Monday we were in a rental and on our way to Florida. We got word while we were in Florida that the jeep was repairable, but it would take a few weeks. That was good news, because we were already dreading new car shopping (although, I am enjoying this Impala I am driving with its dual a/c controls and remote start!).

Today, my first day in my new high school classroom, as I am driving home and filling Steve in on the day's happenings, he yells
and the phone goes dead. I am thinking, "that can't be good." I wait and wait and wait. He calls me back to tell me he has just been hit. He was driving on I20 when a car on his left hits the guard rail, bounces off and hits him, sending him sliding and spinning down the interstate. As he is trying to compensate and straighten the truck out, he gets hit a few more times by the same driver who has lost control of their vehicle. Finally, they both come to a stop. He gets out, checks on her, calls 911 and directs interstate traffic till the police arrive (LOL-only as I attempt to picture the scene...and he is not a happy camper, not laughing a bit).

He calls our insurance (yet again) and assures them this one was not his fault (Still...LOL), and they tell him he has to get a rental because the driver's side door is caved in and will not open. Ok...so off he goes tomorrow to get ANOTHER rental while BOTH our vehicles are in the shop! FYI....we are getting to know the people at Yokem and Enterprise quite well.

I did tell him that he is certainly going to desperate means to get a new vehicle....it would be simpler to just pick a new one out and buy it...or there is that horse option.

It Can Always Get Worse....

Even the worst of days could be worse....so I am told...and am sure is a real possibility! That whole do over thing I mentioned in my last post-still thinking that might not be a bad idea; however, this past week has been one of those weeks I do not want to do again!!!

Caitlyn was in the hospital for a week with pneumonia. We were in and out of there helping with her, and trying to make it possible for Tonia to go to work. In the midst of that, and exhaustion already setting in for everyone, we get a phone call. My mom is having surgery-which we knew-but weren't getting the correct information. We are weighing, go or don't go? It is Sunday week now and the decision has to be made. As we are heading to lunch on Valentine's Day, discussing all of this, we get in a car wreck. The air bags deploy, the cabin fills up with smoke of some kind, and we are sitting there stunned. Steve takes stock, makes sure we are both ok, and then tells me we have to get out of the car, which we do. As it turns out, our dear friends were a few car lengths back, had already pulled over, and were waiting on the police. The police were there in seconds, the car was towed, and our friends took us to lunch and back home. We changed clothes, went to the hospital and stayed with Caitlyn till late, and then came home to do laundry. So the week begun.

These kind of things are supposed to come in threes, but I am sure we were more in the six or seven range. Steve spent the following day getting the rental settled while I watched Caitlyn so Tonia could go to work. At 4ish when Tonia got back, ran back to the house, packed clothes, jumped back in the rental and headed to Florida. We arrived at Eglin AFB at about 4 am, got to the room, took a shower, got dressed and went to the hospital. I could give you a blow by blow but it would be too dreary, so let me sum it up mom had surgery, came through that, is in a regular room right now, and amidst the drama and lots of it, there was chaos, tears, lack of sleep, and GOD.

It was more than evident God was at work in the situation, in our lives, and the lives of my siblings. He provided for us in more ways that can be counted, and although it ended badly (for me anyway), I know that it is all in His plan. He opened doors that should not have been open to us, and made available resources to all of us that should not have been there. What we were able to do in a week should not have been possible. What lies ahead, I have no idea.

I do know, we are home now. Caitlyn is out of the hospital. My mother will be released soon, hopefully to a rehabilitation program. My brothers were phenomenal at a time I really needed them. Katie helped with Caitlyn so Tonia could go to work. My husband was supportive even in my lowest moments. I did get to spend a few minutes on the beach. We slept in bunk beds (quite comical), but didn't sleep much. We are really glad to be home, and were really glad to be in our bed and sleep, sleep, sleep.

A new week....this one is not going to be any easier. I have a job interview on Monday which I had really hoped to be a little more rested for. I have a unit plan due tomorrow which I will spend the rest of this day attempting to accomplish (while my husband surveys the financial damage done during the trip). The unit plan is going to be work enough, but I also have a research paper due on Thursday, yep, and.....a baby shower for my sister tonight at 4:30 that I just have to make! Hmmm....God multiply my time and fill me with wisdom in managing these moments!

With a Bang

This year began with a bang....and I have had moments when I was sure a do-over was not an unreasonable request! Let me sum up our January:

We began the month with Steve sick. He came down with strep throat and bronchitis, after a few trips to the doctor, lots of medications, and two weeks later, he was back to himself (reasonably anyway). Then my turn came. I got a sinus infection that I just could not beat and once that moved into my chest, I knew a doctor's visit was in my future too. I ended up with a sinus infection and bronchitis, lots of meds, and two weeks down with a few setbacks here and there. So I was nursing a sick husband, trying to balance school work and then I got sick; threw that balance right out of whack!

I ended up withdrawing from a class (something I have never done before) so I could get the other two up to speed. This has been a tough term, and I am not sure why. (Might be my really demanding math methods instructor!) My work load has been almost more than I could bear....and in crunch time now. Next quarter, I am only taking one class: middle school math methods, which should be so easy next to this quarter. (two more to go after that)

February is here....the groundhog was right, we definitely have more winter-snow to be exact. We haven't seen snow here in quite some time, and the last time we had snow coverage was back in 2001. It was such an amazing thing to wake up to this blanket of white. It is just beautiful, but cold....and we don't do cold down here! I am reaching to find winter clothes I can wear out and not be freezing! It would be even more perfect if....Caitlyn wasn't in the hospital. She has been sick all week, and yesterday we were really worried about her. We had had trouble getting any fluid down here all week, and yesterday nothing. She wanted to sleep all day, but coughed and coughed and coughed. She ended up being admitted last night for pneumonia. She is one unhappy camper. She has an oxygen line taped to her face and an IV in her arm. Miserable doesn't even begin to describe how she looks and apparently feels. Sadly....her first snow and she can't even get out in it.

Steve was concerned about our house. We aren't built for this weather, and snow is heavy. So far so good, but it is still snowing. We of course took lots of pictures which we will share shortly.

A few positive notes....our den floor is in. We had hoped to be done with the den but sickness and weather holding is us up. We are in the process of putting up wainscoting (sp?) which is requiring us to stain, measure, and install. That was a last minute decision, but it is a den, and I wanted to protect the walls, and NOT be painting all the time. I am pretty pleased with the color and texture of the room. The walls are an off yellow with a little bit of texture. The floor is our original living room floor, dark 6 inch. wood look vinyl planks. They are in on an angle (gluing those down was quite an adventure-that was the stickiest adhesive we have worked with). Would be nice if we could finish up in there this week, but snow makes it a little rough to stain and polyurethane!

Another positive....I have an interview for a teaching position. My advisor had just asked me if I was going to go student teaching or intern. I told her I had no idea. I had such mixed emotions about trying to work and finish school. The MAT is tough, and although lots of people do that, I am sure they are not rebuilding a house too! My friend, Ellen, at Sylvan mentioned it to me, and it sounded like a position that might really be a good one for me. I thought, well, I need to at least call and see what happens, so I did. I sent my application package in Wed. and got a call yesterday about interviewing for it. I was very excited. It is a little bit of a commute, and I am sure if I get the position, I will have some stressful moments (being as I am finishing up a year in someone else's shoes), but know my heart is ready to step out. I have been reading the GLE's and thinking about ways to accomplish this (through God's grace and in His provision) in a way that maximizes my time with these students' and encourages their success.

Steve and I so want to be where God wants us to be, doing what He wants. My prayer has been just that, so if this is the right place, He will let me know. Steve has been teasing me though, said when I go back to work, he is going to quit! :) (right). He wouldn't know what to do with himself!

Well...that is the update....and I have to get going.

New Vocabulary

Our language is forever evolving....new words are continually being added. I have been told the English language vocabulary is the largest of any language. I believe it. I have been working with a new word "unfriending." It is not a very pretty word at all and certainly has negative connotations. Maybe it was purposefully designed to lay a guilt trip on us....to keep this illusion of social networking as a good thing.

Granted....it can be a good thing, but I find that for the most part it is a way to be nosey without really being involved in other people's lives. I pop in on someone else's profile, read a bit, glance through the pictures and leave no footprints. No one knows I was even there. It occurred to me that maybe that wasn't the point of networking. If our purpose is to connect with people, then communication is essential. I have to stop and say hello, leave an encouraging word or comment and pay attention to how I can be used in their lives. Our lives are connected and greatfully so.

After looking at our Facebook friend list, I realized that this was another area that needed to be paired down-we are doing alot of that right now, cleaning out, streamlining so to speak. I went through and asked myself if there was any real connecting going on with those on the list? Was the communication positive and productive? Were we really engaging in each other's lives or just peeking in? Many of those on the list we communicate through other avenues; many we don't communicate with at all. Some it is the only way I have of communicating with them. Those were the questions that determined who we unfriended...and in just a blink...we cut our list down by over 40 people, and I am sure there will be quite a few more to go.

Instantly I started getting messages and phone calls. I expected that, but for some, we haven't talked at all...NOW...they want to communicate. OK...hmmm.....I just have to ponder the implication of that!

I was telling a friend of mine when she commented on how mean that is, that our purpose is to communicate especially with those that we don't share our daily lives with and when that purpose isn't being fulfilled then there just isn't any point to it. I wouldn't keep it at all except there are a few people that we only communicate with through facebook, and those relationships are important to us. My brother hasn't called yet, and I am wondering if he will even notice that I cut him! As much as I love him, if he has time to play all these facebook games but no time to say hello to his sister or even tell her happy birthday, then he doesn't make the cut, and he didn't! Bet he never even realizes he doesn't see me on there.

Making life changes is necessary and making hard choices is part of those changes. My husband and I have to go forward, we have to use our time to the maximum, and social networking is only a positive when it builds connections. We learned new vocabulary....even if it isn't our favorite word...hopefully we will choose better and not have to make these kind of choices too often.

Words, Words, Words

I am a serious thinker....my husband too, except we express ourselves in different ways. Sometimes we don't-express ourselves, I mean!...but we are always thinking!

I love the place where we are because it is so reflective. I almost wish everyone could jump ahead in time to this place, skipping all the experience we have to go through to actually get here! Then again...the experience getting here is what makes life so reflective.

Every new experience reminds me of an old one. Last night our pastor preached an analogy between playing whack-a-mole and attempting to whack out sin in our life to the detriment of living to serve God. (Focusing on the minors when God is so big!). I had to laugh because in early days of Christianity that is what everyone I have ever known does-focus on all these details that we call "sin," some of which really leave questions in my mind now. We focus on the outside acts when the inside is where our attention needs to be.

Words are so important-they reflect what is going on in our hearts. It is NOT ok to say whatever whenever about whomever. The culture we live in that empowers people to live in this mode of self-expression is destructive-not that we shouldn't express ourselves, we should-but in a way that is glorifying to our maker, not in a way that builds us up by tearing someone else down. We don't get to the top by stepping over someone else, and even if we do, the carcasses left in the path leave a legacy I certainly am not attaining to. I have also noticed something else in this same group that "has the right to express how they feel," they can't handle anyone else's feelings. They are always right! They know what is best! They are smarter than anyone else! They do lots of talking, lots of attacking, lots of criticizing, but little listening, little acceptance of their own short comings, and there is certainly almost no willingness to admit failure on their part.

I spent the morning talking with a friend of mine that has been very much a spiritual mentor to me. She helps me find purpose when I am off kelter. What I have gone through in my lifetime pales in comparison to what she has experienced. When we talk, we toss around all kinds of thoughts and ideas. We concluded today that we should all speak less. What we might say in passing, without any real depth to, or without any real meaning could impact a life drastically. I remember hearing some of those things during my childhood. Words that formed my very thinking-and I didn't know it. I didn't know that my thinking was tainted-it made sense to me-someone else along the way had taken control of my thinking. Likewise my words have shaped and mis-shaped lives. My words have had power over my husband. He has loved me and desired to make me happy, and at times given into my words-despite how wrong they were at that moment of time. As a wife, I am learning some very important lessons along this journey, and one is to hold my tongue. What I want to say, what is bubbling to the surface, what feels like self expression at that moment in time, might sway someone else's thinking in a negative direction. My words might destroy someone, wound someone deeply, clip someones wings, keep them from reaching, and most importantly keep them from seeking God's direction, His solution, His will for their life. I have done that-all of the above. My words have hurt others, which was never my intention. My words have misguided others-also not my intention. My words have swayed someone else's opinion of someone else-way not my intention. I never know who is reading and hearing my heart, but if you are one of the above, I am so sorry I did not guard my heart or my words in such a way that you would have been spared from the sting of a word not fitly spoken. I humbly seek your forgiveness, that of my husbands (way too many times I faltered there), and my family who I love dearly and so wish I had had the maturity then that I am gaining now (or at least aspiring to).

Many moments when words could have built another up have been squandered, left unnoticed or abused, but they can't be recaptured now. Hindsight is 20/20 for ALL of us. ALL of us will look back at times in our life and wish we had of thought more before we spoke. We will ALL regret things said and done-comes with this flesh we live in. We can ALL learn to listen more and speak less...because words spoken can't be unsaid. Words that come out of our mouth were first formed in our hearts and is a direct reflection of what is going on in there-often not very pretty, and enough to make the most beautiful woman ugly all the way down to the core.

"A word fitly spoken is like apples of gold in pictures of silver." Proverbs 25:11

Taking Stock

This is definitely one of those times in life where we are "taking stock." It is a time to decide what is important to us as a couple and what is not. We spend alot of our time together talking and planning. Of course we are still deep in a house remodel and it looks like this might be a hobby of ours for quite some time! We will be wrapping up the inside of the house within the next six months but then...there is the outside (which has been deteriorating from neglect while we work on the inside!)

We sit and we ponder. We evaluate our resources, our time, our money, our talents-how do we want to use them? Interestingly enough in one week, we had a discussion with both our son and son-in-law about wills and life insurance. We just underwent medical testing to change insurance policies. We have had this policy for quite some time, but just learned a few months back that it is an accidental death policy. Hmmm...works if we die in a car accident, but...cancer? Nope. So that isn't going to work. Plan B: Get a new policy. We are also talking about our will. We haven't updated that since our children were all at home and our primary concern was their well being. That (howbeit still a concern) is no longer our responsibility. So here we are....

Discussing remodeling options, pricing bath tubs because our bathroom is next (yippee), juggling day to day activities, planning trips for just the two of us (San Antonio in two weeks...another YIPPEE!), discussing life insurance and wills.

How Time Changes Everything

We are all bound by time, and time certainly has dominion in our lives. We can't control it, stop it, or get it back-once it is gone, it is gone.

I spent the afternoon cleaning out pictures which had been piling up on the laptop. While checking mail, and organizing pictures, I got a post that Robert's picassa album had been updated. I popped in over there to check out the new photos. My goodness how much Aaron has grown in a year. He looks so much like a little boy and so much less like a baby.

I know that is supposed to happen, after all, I watched that with my own children. However, you don't seem to notice the growth as much when you witness the little steps every day. It is when you don't see them for awhile then all of a sudden you do (or a picture of), and just have to step back and go wow!

Time...it changes everything. I don't feel old (most days), but sometimes I see a picture of me at just the right angle and think...getting older! My age used to be marked by my kids' birthdays, now it might be marked by my grandson's birthdays. He is already 2! That makes me two years older too!

Blurred Vision

My optometrist told me a few years back that something happens around the age of 40 to our eyes. We lose the ability to change focus from near to far. My hubbie hit that magic age before me and now wears bifocals or his "one" contact. Well...trying to read for my college classes has been just a bit challenging today. I wasn't able to refocus my eyes and had to keep taking my classes off to read. Then...had to put them back on to see across the room. Exasperating. Now my eyes are really tired (all that back and forth today) and I need to go to bed, but didn't quite finish what I needed to...wondering if I can pull it off in the morning??? I am also wondering. Gee, we are in the empty nest time of our lives, and I am having trouble seeing. Where is the fun in that?

For better or worse, sickness or health, sight and the lack thereof...honey...you still look good to me (what I can see of you that is!)

The Empty Nest Is Upon Us

Well sort of...the wedding came way too fast and is done. The week was a blurr of activity from start to finish. Shawna showed on Sunday, and we began wrapping up details and house repair. We tiled and painted for two days. Tuesday, I went to confirm chairs and decided to pop in on Tonia, completely unaware of what had been going on in her life. By Tuesday lunch, Tonia and Caitlyn were with us. That situation complicated the week, but in and through God's grace, we got to Thursday. By Thursday, I am very tired, and Tonia has to go to the hospital. Thursday became a roller coaster ride of getting on one car and then off and then on another. It was the night of our family/wedding party barbecue, and Tonia was in the emergency room. I was holding my own ok till about lunch when I felt some criticism for the way I was handling the situation. I stopped and cried, got a grip, and went forward. We moved on, went shopping, finished up what we needed to and got ready for the barbecue.

We made it through that night (but not without tears) with Tonia getting admitted to the hospital, and Friday's rehearsal was right around the corner. I got up Friday morning with just a few hours of sleep and went to work on gumbo. The family would all be arriving about 1 that day. They did arrive all at the same time, my brothers, Jon's brothers, and my mother-in-law. We made our rounds, got everyone eating, and took off to decorate for the wedding. We arrived at Olde Oaks at 3 after dividing and conquering...had to get flowers picked up, grooms cake picked up, confirm with IHop we were coming in that night, and order a tray from Chick-fil-a for the following morning. Whew...went right to work, but wasn't able to finish and get home to change for rehearsal. So....Kat left with her mother-in-law so they could get ready. Natalie left so she could meet us at IHop later, and Shawna and I sat down and waited. About 7 everyone came in for rehearsal. I did a quick change, and Ronnie took over. The rehearsal went amazingly well. Everyone laughed and had a good time. The sun was setting over the golf course and it was absolutely breathtaking! (Can't wait to see those pictures!). Off we go to IHop. My brother and sister-in-law met Natalie at IHop and got everything ready. We walked in, and it was just perfect. It went like clockwork. Jon and Kat handed out gifts, everyone ordered, everyone played and laughed. Kat and Jon made speeches, my brother Rich said a few things and so did Elizabeth. It was precious....and now 11:00 pm.

We finally skiddadle...have stuff to do at home and a very early day on Saturday. Girls spent the night here and actually went to sleep! Steve and I were up till 2:30 working on video and getting stuff together. I finally lay down and tried to sleep but to no avail. It was basically a sleepless night. I prayed for the day, for my daughter and Jon...for everything that came to mind, and then the alarm went off. Steve was dragging, but needed to test the video. Kat came in and crawled into bed next to him to watch it. We loaded the car and off we went. Steve called me on the way to Olde Oak to give me a weather update-perfect weather for an outside wedding! God was already showing Himself...August in Louisiana with a high in the low 90's with less than 50% humidity! We were on shouting ground!

We are excited, all is well. Shawna and Natalie both had to turn around and go back to their houses because they forgot their dresses....something we laughed about because we were so proud of ourselves...we were ahead of schedule. (Turns out while I was getting dressed that I realized I was missing a shoe. Steve had to run go get it, and I took first set of pictures without shoes!) So...we are there...decorating. I am outside working on railings with Shawna. I walk in the building and there is Ronnie and Kayla working on music and Rich and Doreen working on tables. It is only 8 am. I was so blessed to see everyone there and helping. Because they were there, we met our time window. Doreen finished up and decided to stake our her spot. Ronnie and Kayla set up for music and staked out their spots. The advantage I suppose of being up there for nearly two days straight...you get to choose your seats before anyone else gets there!

We didn't have assigned seating except for the wedding party, parents, and grandparents. We tossed around the idea of placing people, but I am not a big fan of that, and seating was already limited. Not to mention who knew who would actually show up. Many who sent in an rsvp weren't there, and many who did not were! (My greatest anxiety was the seating and food). All in all I worried for no reason. The wedding was beautiful. Everything was seamless. There was enough seating and plenty of food, although I am told the seating was cutthroat. Ms. Molly told me over lunch Sunday that she got up to give our son and his wife her seats and went to get him. When she got back, those seats were gone and the ones she had her eye on were gone too. She said she finally just had to sit down and stay put. I was so busy running around making sure everything was done that I didn't really eat or notice the seating situation. In hindsight, I could have given Daniel and Lauren our seats as we really didn't sit much, but at the time, I was too busy to think about that. I am only one person, and had over the last six months done more than any one person should ever have to!

All in all...it was exactly what Katherine wanted in her day, and it was her day. She was beaming and beautiful, and we were blessed to be a part of it. We were also blessed to be able to share it with so many people who love her and love us. Love...isn't that what it is supposed to be about any way!?

So..that empty nest...well I was too tired to even feel the effects of that on Saturday. We aren't really empty yet and won't be for a bit. Tonia and Caitlyn are here...but none of our own children are any more so that does constitute an empty nest. Sunday, we got to see them open their presents, something we had also shared with Robert and his wife the day after they were married. Monday, they ran around getting stuff together to leave town...and that is when it hit me. I watched them drive off, on their way to honeymoon, and I fought back tears. The whole day I was teary eyed...somehow just seeing them drive off brought the point home...she was gone. [sigh] She reminded me that she would be back in two weeks, and they just live down the street, but....she does have her own life now. I can say it is different with girls-I don't feel like I have lost my daughter, but instead feel like I have gained a son. Since I also have the privilege of sharing in Caitlyn's life-I have also gained a granddaugther. God is so good to comfort my heart, and place exactly the right people in my life at exactly the right time!

I am still reading in Job..."Oh that i were as in months past,....when my children were about me..." (29:2a & 5b). Time doesn't stand still and things continually change. Those days, when our children were small and still at home seemed so hard then, but now they look so simple. Those days were busy days, but not in the same way that we are busy now. They were sweet days when our children trusted us, cuddled up next to us to tell us about their day, their adventures, their discoveries, or show us a picture or a Lego creation. They were eager to learn, always on the go. I picture them sitting beside us in church: Kat snuggled up with us sucking her thumb and playing with her hair, Robert sitting like a perfect little man, listening with his Bible on his lap, Daniel fidgeting with his pencil, kicking his feet back and forth. So long ago....so far away....and Caitlyn cries-she is awake from her nap right here and right now.

Exhaustion Closing In

As time ticks by faster and faster, exhaustion threatens to absolutely consume me! This past week or two, it has been all I could do to keep moving. Wedding plans, house construction, church ministry, work, and in a week-another master's level class (a condensed one month one-how on earth will I get the homework done?) all looming over me like a cloud that threatens to open up and drench me!

The older I get, the more I struggle with being able to juggle everything on my plate. It used to be easy to push until I worked through it, stop, regroup, start again. Now....not so much. My energy level is waning despite the vitamins! The arthritis isn't helping either.

This weekend, the weight of it all was pretty heavy. We are still not in our bedroom, still have so much to do and a lot less time to get it done in. There have been so many family responsibilities, so many things just pulling us in so many different directions. The house has been what has suffered for lack of time or energy to accomplish what we say we are going to do. My husband cleaned up the back a bit, got some wiring for our recessed lighting and the den sheetrocked. It has the first float-might finish that this week! I worked on our room, painting the doors, finishing up the trim and repainting the ceiling (with a little help from my sweet Shawna-she arrived just in time to keep me motivated). I hope, hope, hope to finish up in there today....but I have been saying that for weeks now. And...got to get Kat's room tiled so we can finish up that room...it too is on the agenda for the week. So...we are looking at....moving into our room, getting the den primered, a room tiled....and this next weekend-putting up the baseboards in that room and getting the bathroom fixtures installed. That is a good goal for the week-now if we could just accomplish it all!

Wedding planning....ordered my dress this weekend, we finished up printing invitations. Most of those are going in the mail today. We need to get another vase this week and turn all our glass in to be etched, and I think....we have a slight break after that. Oh..wait, have one more thing to order...almost done. Most of the other stuff is little stuff that we don't need to rush on right now. Maybe....just maybe....we can concentrate on getting the house worked on now! I sure hope so....because that non-stress approach we were shooting for is just about to unravel at the seams.

What I wanted for Mother's Day

Continually reconstructing! Is reconstruction ever done? I just don't think so....maybe we will eventually get done with our house, but I am pretty sure that life is a series of reconstructions.

My hubbie asked me what I wanted for Mother's Day. At first I told him I wanted a new watch but as the week wore away, I knew I needed and wanted this place cleaned up and organized. I am tired, no not tired, exhausted by all the chaos. So....we worked and worked and worked cleaning up. This weekend, we got our sheds cleaned out and redone. Not only did we get up all the wet stuff, we organized, and got miscellaneous paint, tools, and stuff out of the house and put away in the shed. We cleaned out the overhang (trash guys are not going to like us today!) and moved Jon's motorcycle so we could use our parking space. We even got a few plants in the ground! Yay!!!!

I heard from all my kids, Robert (middle son) called-it was sure good to talk to him, Gabrielle (my daughter-in-law), Daniel (oldest son), and some other friends sent texts to wish me happy mother's day. I got to be of service to a dear friend, had some sweet moments with my hubbie, went to breakfast, caught a movie, went to church, popped in to Ihop (second round this weekend), and finished my weekend out visiting with my brother. It was a good weekend, a great mother's day.

The most valuable gifts aren't things at all, but time, the giving of oneself for someone else...and this Mother's Day that is what I got from my husband, his time and him-his willingness to do what I needed to give me some peace of mind. I love him! Jon had flowers for me when I got to church, and he and my daughter gave me a sweet card (and a new purse :) I have to share what they wrote on the cards (and hope they don't mind):

"You are the best mom any girl could ask for. I know this is my last Mother's Day at home and I wanted to let you know a few things. I love you very much, and you are one of my best friends (even though you are my mom.) You have given me a wonderful example of what a wife and mother should be. I can only hope to be half the mom and wife you are. I love you with all my heart mom. I hope you enjoy your day. PS. Don't ever think that you have been a bad mom., that is a lie. Love you, Katherine."

"It's crazy how it's coming on 2 years since I met you. I'm thankful God has blessed me so much, and a big part of that blessing is you and your beautiful family. Whether Katies wants to admit it or not, she is like you in so many ways, and I have you to thank for that. Thank you for raising the daughter that I have prayed about for so many years. Thank you for helping me to be a better Christian, and because of that, a better man. I hope that if I have kids one day that I can be the person that you were to your kids. I hope this day, and the years to come, are full of God's love and blessings. Happy Mother's Day. I love you. Jon"

Wow-thanks Guys. It is moments like those which remind me that everything mattered (especially since there are so many negative moments when life feels futile)! It has been a hard year, a life changing year...lesson after lesson in letting go of those things I have no control of and trusting God to be God especially in the lives of my children. Sunday morning I printed and gathered pictures of my three kids and their spouses to put into a frame (a torche/clock actually) which sits in my den/breakfast room. They will be ever before me to remind me to pray for them, to let them live their lives for better or worse, to trust God's unfailing love and promises, and to learn to live my life with my husband-a part from them. I have been a wife longer than I have been a mother, but both have consumed my adulthood. I am still a mother, but less of. This next year, my goal is going to be to keep changing gears, adjusting my thought life, refocusing on us as a couple, allowing God to reconstruct from the inside out such that my life is in the proper perspective: 1) God 2) husband...and everything else....will have to take a number.

Packing, Repacking, and moving it all around

We are almost at the one year anniversary of the flooding of our house. That single event changed life in a way that I can't even quite put my finger on. Here we are at that mark, initially thinking we would be done remodeling by now, and of course we aren't. This past weekend, a storm blew through which sounded a lot like last years. The lightning and rain kept me up Saturday night as I remembered how fast the water came in to the house just a year earlier. Sunday morning, we surveyed, and although it didn't get high enough to get in the house, it did soak our driveway area reaching into the shed. We again had wet stuff, some ruined, some sitting around drying out. One of the boxes that got soaked was full of our marriage books. We are trying to dry those out, but they are pretty wet and wavy.

That was pretty much the last straw for me. It was time to rent a storage unit which we did promptly. This week we have been repacking, reorganizing, cleaning out, and moving stuff to the unit. It is so much easier to function with less stuff lurking all over the place. I have had just about enough of feeling like I live on an episode of Sanford and Sons! Stuff....everywhere...building supplies, materials, doors, lumber, even a toilet adorn our overhang. A toilet...yep...out of one of the bathrooms...sitting outside. There has just been no place to put everything so it is literally everywhere! (For someone who can't function in disorganization, this experience has been quite trying)

The moving slowed us down, but we hope it will actually free us up to finish these floors. My daughter has been a trooper. Here she is just three weeks after being diagnosed with mono, going to back to work and school, and repacking sorting all her stuff, in one week! That is alot of activity for her when she has been so sick.

What a year makes. As we are going through all this stuff we have stored, what seemed important last year has lost its appeal this year. Last year when Kat was sorting her stuff, I would ask her why she was saving something. She "just had to keep" this or that. This week, that same stuff had no value to her. I felt the same way. We have a huge pile for the rummage sale now, even after all that we lost and threw away. (Jon is quite glad she has pared all her stuff down, emptying several totes of childhood memories!)

My husband has taught me so much that continually changes me and teaches me to re-evaluate my life. He has been the most signifcant person I have shared my life with. He balances out my crazy ideas! This week has been a crazy one, and one that could have easily overwhelmed me, but because of him...I got this. He is teaching me to take little bites until it is all done. I have been writing my obligations in my calendar and not trying to do everything at once, but balance. I did just that with everything looming before me this week. I tackled what I could in snippits until it was just done. Thanks honey....hope this lesson sticks, because life is stressful enough!!!!!

Whirlwind Week

I can tell we are getting old....cuz....we muster up the energy to really work and work hard for a few days and then we are down for the count! We worked so hard this past weekend tiling our breakfast room and getting my daughter's room dry laid, but then it was time for the work week to begin.

This has been a week. Monday started with a bang with the discovery that Kat has strep and mono. She has had a miserable week, not able to sleep or eat, or anything really. I weighed whether to kick into mom mode or let her be the adult. I tried the step back and let her be grown Sunday night, and made it till about 4 am Tuesday morning, but then I had to get up and take care of her. Next came contacting teachers, gathering her school work, making jello and soup, picking up Gatorade, and pep talks, lots of pep talks.

Next time she gets sick, I won't be as available. She will have to some how get through sick on her own....I am worried. Will she remember to drink fluids, make jello, balance her day between her energy levels, use a cold rag to calm herself, deep breathe to relax her body so she can go to sleep? What will she do when it isn't her but her baby, or her husband?

That...and my first test in my master's level class, classroom observations, a missionary lunch on Tuesday, Sylvan, basic housework, Taylor being admitted to the hospital, a funeral today....yep...it is already Friday and ask me what I have gotten done. All the above, but not much reconstruction.

Tonight...we are going to Logan's, maybe stop in at Lowe's, choose a grout color, pick up some more thin set so we can tile AGAIN all this weekend....hmmm...maybe our "agedness" will not hold us back from accomplishing even more this week!