Value

What really matters? It sure isn't stuff. Going through these past two years has been a lesson in just that. The night of the flood, I kept reminding myself that it was just temporal. We lost alot, and it really wasn't the stuff that was the issue, not so much the loss, but the wedding through it all. It was the clean up, the chaos, the incredible mess that lay before us that was overwhelming and brought tears. How would we ever do this, I had no idea, but we did.

We did. We tore out walls, floors, looked inside spaces that were just gross. Water bugs falling out of the ceiling, rats running under the couch, oen walls and floors meant all kinds of critters, mold, and more mold, wet insulation, warped paneling...pretty nasty.

And cars...we sure went through the cars. To count we have gone through 6 vehicles and are in two new ones. That wasn't all flood mind you, three were wrecked. Nonetheless, it is the first time in our life that we have owned two really dependable vehicles. I am loving it, but lest I forget what is really important, God gives us opportunity to share them, and we do. We remember the other days, the ones when we didn't have a good vehicle. We remember the days when we were solo. There didn't seem to be any help in sight, but God hadn't abandon us. He brought us through and He provided.

We are nearing the end of this adventure. We are taking the walls out of the last room that has to be done. It has been just over two years. The walls have dried out and so has the insulation, but the mold is there. The outside of the house looks pretty rough and neglected being as so much of our attention has gone into the inside. I guess we really aren't nearing the end...just the end of a phase, but my what we have gained.

We have grown as people, as a couple, and as Christians. We understand what it means to rely on God and trust what we can't see. So little phases us. We just know God has it, and no matter what it looks like, we just know...it isn't about us, it is about God. There is peace in that. God has so provided our every need. We have more income than we have ever had. We are able to share our resources, our time, and our ability and really....that is the best part of the adventure. Another need...not a blink...what matters, what is of greatest value? It isn't stuff. It is sharing with others what God has given to us, and when we do, we get to give back to God, and when we do, He keeps giving. That is value.

It Can Always Get Worse....

Even the worst of days could be worse....so I am told...and am sure is a real possibility! That whole do over thing I mentioned in my last post-still thinking that might not be a bad idea; however, this past week has been one of those weeks I do not want to do again!!!

Caitlyn was in the hospital for a week with pneumonia. We were in and out of there helping with her, and trying to make it possible for Tonia to go to work. In the midst of that, and exhaustion already setting in for everyone, we get a phone call. My mom is having surgery-which we knew-but weren't getting the correct information. We are weighing, go or don't go? It is Sunday week now and the decision has to be made. As we are heading to lunch on Valentine's Day, discussing all of this, we get in a car wreck. The air bags deploy, the cabin fills up with smoke of some kind, and we are sitting there stunned. Steve takes stock, makes sure we are both ok, and then tells me we have to get out of the car, which we do. As it turns out, our dear friends were a few car lengths back, had already pulled over, and were waiting on the police. The police were there in seconds, the car was towed, and our friends took us to lunch and back home. We changed clothes, went to the hospital and stayed with Caitlyn till late, and then came home to do laundry. So the week begun.

These kind of things are supposed to come in threes, but I am sure we were more in the six or seven range. Steve spent the following day getting the rental settled while I watched Caitlyn so Tonia could go to work. At 4ish when Tonia got back, ran back to the house, packed clothes, jumped back in the rental and headed to Florida. We arrived at Eglin AFB at about 4 am, got to the room, took a shower, got dressed and went to the hospital. I could give you a blow by blow but it would be too dreary, so let me sum it up mom had surgery, came through that, is in a regular room right now, and amidst the drama and lots of it, there was chaos, tears, lack of sleep, and GOD.

It was more than evident God was at work in the situation, in our lives, and the lives of my siblings. He provided for us in more ways that can be counted, and although it ended badly (for me anyway), I know that it is all in His plan. He opened doors that should not have been open to us, and made available resources to all of us that should not have been there. What we were able to do in a week should not have been possible. What lies ahead, I have no idea.

I do know, we are home now. Caitlyn is out of the hospital. My mother will be released soon, hopefully to a rehabilitation program. My brothers were phenomenal at a time I really needed them. Katie helped with Caitlyn so Tonia could go to work. My husband was supportive even in my lowest moments. I did get to spend a few minutes on the beach. We slept in bunk beds (quite comical), but didn't sleep much. We are really glad to be home, and were really glad to be in our bed and sleep, sleep, sleep.

A new week....this one is not going to be any easier. I have a job interview on Monday which I had really hoped to be a little more rested for. I have a unit plan due tomorrow which I will spend the rest of this day attempting to accomplish (while my husband surveys the financial damage done during the trip). The unit plan is going to be work enough, but I also have a research paper due on Thursday, yep, and.....a baby shower for my sister tonight at 4:30 that I just have to make! Hmmm....God multiply my time and fill me with wisdom in managing these moments!

Words, Words, Words

I am a serious thinker....my husband too, except we express ourselves in different ways. Sometimes we don't-express ourselves, I mean!...but we are always thinking!

I love the place where we are because it is so reflective. I almost wish everyone could jump ahead in time to this place, skipping all the experience we have to go through to actually get here! Then again...the experience getting here is what makes life so reflective.

Every new experience reminds me of an old one. Last night our pastor preached an analogy between playing whack-a-mole and attempting to whack out sin in our life to the detriment of living to serve God. (Focusing on the minors when God is so big!). I had to laugh because in early days of Christianity that is what everyone I have ever known does-focus on all these details that we call "sin," some of which really leave questions in my mind now. We focus on the outside acts when the inside is where our attention needs to be.

Words are so important-they reflect what is going on in our hearts. It is NOT ok to say whatever whenever about whomever. The culture we live in that empowers people to live in this mode of self-expression is destructive-not that we shouldn't express ourselves, we should-but in a way that is glorifying to our maker, not in a way that builds us up by tearing someone else down. We don't get to the top by stepping over someone else, and even if we do, the carcasses left in the path leave a legacy I certainly am not attaining to. I have also noticed something else in this same group that "has the right to express how they feel," they can't handle anyone else's feelings. They are always right! They know what is best! They are smarter than anyone else! They do lots of talking, lots of attacking, lots of criticizing, but little listening, little acceptance of their own short comings, and there is certainly almost no willingness to admit failure on their part.

I spent the morning talking with a friend of mine that has been very much a spiritual mentor to me. She helps me find purpose when I am off kelter. What I have gone through in my lifetime pales in comparison to what she has experienced. When we talk, we toss around all kinds of thoughts and ideas. We concluded today that we should all speak less. What we might say in passing, without any real depth to, or without any real meaning could impact a life drastically. I remember hearing some of those things during my childhood. Words that formed my very thinking-and I didn't know it. I didn't know that my thinking was tainted-it made sense to me-someone else along the way had taken control of my thinking. Likewise my words have shaped and mis-shaped lives. My words have had power over my husband. He has loved me and desired to make me happy, and at times given into my words-despite how wrong they were at that moment of time. As a wife, I am learning some very important lessons along this journey, and one is to hold my tongue. What I want to say, what is bubbling to the surface, what feels like self expression at that moment in time, might sway someone else's thinking in a negative direction. My words might destroy someone, wound someone deeply, clip someones wings, keep them from reaching, and most importantly keep them from seeking God's direction, His solution, His will for their life. I have done that-all of the above. My words have hurt others, which was never my intention. My words have misguided others-also not my intention. My words have swayed someone else's opinion of someone else-way not my intention. I never know who is reading and hearing my heart, but if you are one of the above, I am so sorry I did not guard my heart or my words in such a way that you would have been spared from the sting of a word not fitly spoken. I humbly seek your forgiveness, that of my husbands (way too many times I faltered there), and my family who I love dearly and so wish I had had the maturity then that I am gaining now (or at least aspiring to).

Many moments when words could have built another up have been squandered, left unnoticed or abused, but they can't be recaptured now. Hindsight is 20/20 for ALL of us. ALL of us will look back at times in our life and wish we had of thought more before we spoke. We will ALL regret things said and done-comes with this flesh we live in. We can ALL learn to listen more and speak less...because words spoken can't be unsaid. Words that come out of our mouth were first formed in our hearts and is a direct reflection of what is going on in there-often not very pretty, and enough to make the most beautiful woman ugly all the way down to the core.

"A word fitly spoken is like apples of gold in pictures of silver." Proverbs 25:11

Life Management

Just finished Life Management for Busy Women; it took a ridiculous amount of time for me to read it, but the title says it all! My mission this past year has been about prioritizing and managing my time (which by the way the author says we can't really manage time, but we can manage ourselves and how we use our time). I have been talking about balance for years now-but achieving it? Not so easy. I am finding myself in this period of life where I am looking back, looking in, and looking up.

Looking back-that has been filled with sadness, regret, sweet memories, and joy. Our faith has teetered in that area of our lives-because, we believed if we did A, B, and C, then the result would be D, E, and F...but it wasn't, so then the questions, " who is to blame?" Our faith was shaken to the core, and had it not been for God, we would have absolutely hit bottom. No matter how hard I searched, I just couldn't get past the hurt I was feeling during the last few years of my life, until I realized that if I could see everything, where would the need for faith be? God wants my trust even when I can't see or make sense of my life.

Looking in- asking alot of questions, like, "what am I doing?" "What should I be doing?" "...the point?" Must be middle age crisis...whatever it is, I know that my heart's desire is to live my life according to God's plan. The issue is finding His plan in the midst of everything else clouding my view. I am trying to hear Him and follow Him, but getting the priorities of my life in order (that has been rather challenging too).

Looking up-trusting in God to reveal Himself as I seek Him, and not only me personally but knowing and trusting in the truth of God's Word as it applies to people I love. He does promise that His Word will not return void. I hope in Him, not in the circumstances that surround me, not in religion, not in what I can do, but in what He can do.

Parenting is certainly not for cowards (it connects really...it is the area we are looking back on which results in us looking in and looking up!) Not one single thing throughout our entire adult life has impacted us more than having children...nothing...and now we watch other parents interact with their children, and we can see so clearly. Somehow it is so much easier to see from this angle! We notice that parents way too often don't have balance-discipline when need be, but positive and encouraging as well-more positive and less negative. Parents tend to spend more time lifting up their kids' good points to everyone but their kids. The kids hear the "do this" and "don't do this," not the "I am proud of you" stuff. We are guilty too-did that. Spent more time bragging about our kids to everyone but them...just didn't tell them enough... we love you and are proud of the independent accomplished people you are.

Time for Reflection and Traditions

The holidays are also like that-get out the old decorations, look through old photos, and just remember what it used to be like. We have had many traditions throughout the years, some came and stayed for awhile, others took permanent root.

This weekend we cleaned and cleaned and cleaned as we tried to get some rooms together and get some much needed stuff put away. We don't have a place for everything (the remodel) so stuff tends to pile up all over the place (about drives me nuts). There are moments when I HAVE TO put it somewhere. This weekend was that time.

I picked up a classified ad on Thursday and browsed through it...found a lateral file for sale, and I called immediately. I was so excited. I had been looking for one of those and pricing them-a bit pricey new. This one I got for $30, and it is perfect. We painted, put together the day bed, washed curtains, touched up walls and baseboards, and organized. Yay-organization! The office looks great, might I say myself, and the living room is about together too. I haven't unpacked everything, but it is getting there.

Steve brought in the Christmas tree, put it up, and plugged it in. It is working except for a strand of lights..hmm...asked Steve if he could figure that one out-we will see. We had family over yesterday for a dinner, and I was talking to my sister-in-law. Last year, her and I decorated this tree together. I asked her if she wanted to do that again which prompted a discussion about baby Jesus.

Years and years and years ago, I got this fabric nativity set. I read about holiday traditions and one had talked about hiding baby Jesus from the nativity set to re-enforce the need for us to be looking for Jesus every day. We started doing that when the kids were all at home. Sometimes they (the kids) hid it very well! Daniel would really come up with some hiding places (I think it was him that hid Jesus in an a/c vent!). We have kept up that tradition every year. People who come over start randomly flipping over couch cushions, looking under books, behind shelves, etc...to find baby Jesus. The rule is, if you find him, you have to rehide him. The last one to hide him before Christmas puts him back in the manger on Christmas morning.

We missed last year because of the construction. We are far from done with the construction, but the house is certainly more livable (no more open studs). Next week, Kat and I are going to get down the Christmas decorations, sort through all that stuff so she can take hers with her, separate those that need to go to Daniel and Robert, and find baby Jesus. We aren't doing much in the way of gifts this year for Christmas, but really...not about "stuff," about Jesus.

Really thankful for family traditions, for opportunities to make a difference in lives, for sweet memories....and I wonder, which traditions have my children adopted in their own lives?

Never Say Never

I have heard my own words echo in my ears quite a few times now...."I am never moving again." After years and years of military life and all that packing, unpacking, and moving, once we moved into this house, all I wanted to do was put down roots, do some work on this one, and sit back and enjoy it.

Work-we have; not much sitting, but and except for the low moments it has been an adventure-enjoyable? Mostly. We are unpacking boxes right now to start putting the living room back together. There are boxes everywhere, much of which has to be repacked because the first packing job was kind of haphazard (that happens when you have to pack in a hurry). I haven't "moved" in the sense of the word, but the entire house has been packed, unpacked, and repacked quite a few times this past year. We go looking for something we haven't seen in a year and have to sort boxes to find it. In the process we discover stuff we forgot we owned and have no idea what we are doing with.

The book boxes are the ones I am sorting through right now. Those boxes contain a hodgepodge of old textbooks, math and literature books, accounting books, reference material, college notes, kid books, Christian fiction and nonfiction, and....photo albums and scrapbooks. Of course, I had to sit and browse. I looked back through all those pictures of our family-the shared moments-the growing together-remembering those years and years and years we spent traveling to see family, stopping off at places like the USS Kidd, Saint Augustine, and the Kennedy Space Center.

I grew up going absolutely nowhere doing absolutely nothing with my family. I can't recall one thing we really did together. We lived in the same house, but lived independently. My parents dropped me off or I caught a ride. Until Steve, until we were married, life was pretty nonadventuresome....but now....every day is an adventure...life is full....we do everything together....including pack and unpack a house we are seriously never planning to move out of...but I am not saying NEVER!

Teary-Eyed

I haven't had too many tear moments, although, my daughter tells me I am definitely going to cry when she isn't here. I keep saying, "Nah..." However, we are approaching crunch time now and it is busy! This week, we have to confirm flowers, pick up her dress, finish up on fans, bubbles, and some miscellaneous kind of stuff. One of the things we are working on is the video.

Somehow that is the thing that chokes me up....we sat here the other night browsing through song after song after song. What song to choose? Hmmm...so we ended up listening to a zillion, all, sappy love songs, some parent child, dad daughter, some mushy love stuff, but all VERY EMOTIONAL!

We downloaded a bunch so that the next day I could weed through them. So here I am, cleaning up my bedroom, putting laundry away, and listening to these songs. The tears start bubbling to the surface....not really sad about an empty nest, but my daughter is such a sweet heart. She is so bubbly, so full of life, so ready to laugh, so herself all the time. She has been my sunshine-one of the brightest parts of my life, and I will really miss her.

Browsing through pictures this weekend of her and her brothers growing up, sitting in church behind a couple trying to keep a small child settled down, and watching a baby dedication, all gave me flashbacks. I remember all of those moments. I remember dedicating all of my children. I remember so many precious moments, many we still laugh about. One is our favorite for sure....our oldest son had this thing about hiding and jumping out to scare his siblings. One time he hid under Kat's bed and waited for her...then he grabbed her feet! Another time, he hid in a laundry basket and waited on his brother. He jumped out from under the clothes and about scared him to death! [hysterical]

Yep, eyes are a bit wet...time went by so fast...too fast...in a blink the kids were grown, starting families of their own, and now...it is just about time for the empty nest.

O How Sweet the Taste

My daughter woke up today with a migraine-her very first. I have one every year or so which allowed me to completely identify with the level of her pain. She tried the bath, heating pad, pain medicines and laying very still in bed. Nothing worked and up

till this evening, she was bed bound.

Her headache changed my schedule for the day. I wasn't able to go to the prison ministry, but I was able to pick up a bit and study for my test that night. Studying is a good thing, and I was glad I did when test time came!

However...it changed her schedule today too. She was supposed to go get her marriage license today with her fiance. She wasn't able to do that, but Jon did come over after work. Their engagement has been plagued by one illness after another. She has had back problems all year resulting in multiple steroid shots in her spine. She has had mono, strep throat, sinus infections, and then today...a migraine. ((Ms. Molly's sweet godly perspective is that God is protecting them from falling!) Each time she has been down, Jon has showed up with flowers. Today was no exception. He called and asked if he could see her, and then he came with a single red rose. (In the picture he is cutting the stems to put them in a vase.) She was in bed, all snuggled up under her blankets. He came in, with the flowers and lay down next to her (No worries, everyone was dressed, she was under the blankets and he wasn't, and the door was open). It was such a sweet sight. He so dotes on her and cares for her.

As we finish up these last few weeks before the wedding, I am so comforted knowing how much he loves my daughter. I see it in their eyes and hear it in their laughter. Love...love....not just an emotion, but a choice...and the sweetness of it...O taste and see.....

Building Relationships

My dear friend had a fundraiser last night at the skating rink for the adoption of her son. I thought it would be a good time to get out, spend some time with people I love, and support her cause. So...I called up my family and told them about it. My sisters showed with their kids, Kat and Jon came, and so did Tonia and her family. We had a nice group represented, but best of all, we got to spend some time together building relationships.

Relationships take time to build...and effort. There has to be lots of time sharing our hearts and lives. Without that investment, they whither and dry up, often times resulting in a totally changed attitude towards each other. Somehow when you are spending time together in an honest way just being-hearts and lives are watered and we grow.

We grow when we share ourselves, when we give of ourselves to others, when we make those sacrifices that let someone else know that we really do love them and value them. It was just a few hours of no remodeling, no homework, and no wedding planning, but I am sure glad we took those moments for each other.

Last Childhood Moments

Yesterday was my daughter's last visit to her Pediatric Rhuematologist. We have made that trip to Arkansas every 4 to 6 months for the past two years. Most of the trips have been just her and I. We have to leave here very early to make the four hour drive to the Arkansas Children's Hospital. Yesterday was no exception-we pulled out at 6 am. (Neither of us are morning people!) Now the way this works is she puts on something comfortable, brings a pillow and blanket, piles into the car and goes back to sleep. I spend the four hours praying, pondering, listening to the radio while she sleeps. Hmmm....and then she drives the trip home. Welp...she stayed awake yesterday and worked on wedding music. She played some she had saved so I could hear it, and then she played a Kenny G CD I had to see what she liked off of it. You can't go wrong with Kenny G, and his whole CD made the cut!

We had lots of girl time to talk about just about everything under the sun. We ran through McD's and grabbed breakfast and still arrived quite early for our appointment. We love this hospital, and we love this doctor. The appointment slip has a bar code on it which you scan when entering. It does all the check in for you on a touch screen. It automatically puts your name up on a large digital board with "waiting" by it. The techs call her back to give her an arm band, check her weight, height, update meds...etc...very fast though! We then go to our room to wait.

The rooms are very kid friendly. On the wall are busy beads. There is a clipboard with color sheets and crayons and kid books in a basket. Kat usually picks out a color sheet to color but not today. She waited on the exam table for her doctor to enter. We went through all the normal stuff. Her doctor congratulated her on her upcoming marriage. Then we were done and on our way home.

One of her very last moments as a kid. In just over five weeks, she will no longer qualify for pediatrics which is all she has ever known. She has had the same pediatrician since she was four years old. Her whole world is changing as she makes this transformation from "girl" to "woman." We will no longer be her whole world, we will no longer be providing for her, we will no longer be the ones she runs to when she hurts or falls down or needs to cuddle up in my bed with me and cry. One last moment of her childhood came too quickly and passed by ever quicker.

To Teach and To Be Taught

Our pastor is still preaching on marriage on Wed. nights. This past Wed. he went to a passage in Titus. Titus 2:3-5, "The aged women...may teach the young women to be sober, to love their husbands, to love their children, to be discreet, chaste, keepers at home, good, obedient to their own husbands, that the word of God be not blasphemed."

I am just now beginning to realize how much was lost in my lifetime. I thought back to my own childhood experiences, growth into womanhood, marriage and raising of children. Those days are so far removed from me now, but how clueless I was in those early days. I didn't have any older woman teaching me anything. My mom was just a presence in my life, not a friend, not a confidant, nor someone I looked to for direction and instruction. I didn't know how to be a girl, how to wear makeup, wear clothing appropriate for situation or my body style. I had no idea how to do marriage (it was more like glorified dating for me) and let alone how to raise children. There was no model for me to follow. All I knew was that I didn't want to be my mother. I didn't want to live with an abusive man, constant criticism and hateful words. I didn't want to live through a divorce or my children have to grow up like I did. That was my foundation. That was how I decided day by day to live, what to do and what not to do-all based on what my mom did or didn't do.

I got saved in 1986 when Daniel was just a few months old. We headed to Spain for our first overseas assignment. Our pastor there was very wise and knew that all these young families so far from home needed a family there and instruction in how to be married, raise children, manage home and finances. If it wasn't for his wisdom, I have no idea where we would be today.
For a few years we had help. At the end of that tour, I was pregnant with Katherine, but so sure she was going to be another boy. I was sure God wasn't going to give me a girl-what did I know about girls? A friend in church told me that maybe God was waiting until I was ready to raise a girl, and maybe that time was now. Katherine was and is very much a girl.

She didn't leave my side for months and months. Actually most of her early years were spent with me. Occasionally she would go spend some time with a trusted friend or some of her playmates, but I sure spent a lot of time with her. I tried to teach her to be a godly woman so one day she would know how to be married and raise children. It was so hard and so frustrating seeing myself in her, seeing my mother in her-knowing I wanted so much more for her than I had.

I listened to that verse and thought I wish I had of had someone to teach me. So much of my heartaches, disappointments, and failure could have been avoided had I of just known how to do this. If I could have been instructed in communicating, managing, relating in a godly way to those I loved the most....if....

Well those opportunities are gone, and I don't know if I taught Katie what she needs to know. I hope so. I hope that I prepared her for her own life, because in just a few months now she won't be with me any longer. She will be a wife, responsible to someone else, and I pray a good wife.

My prayer would be that my generation will be the generation that turns the tide in our family. My husband and I are alot of firsts: First to be committed to serving the Lord in every area of our lives, First to stay married-breaking the cycle of divorce, First to finish college degrees and first to go on to advanced degrees. I pray we raised the bar, the standard of living on a physical, spiritual, and emotional level for our children and their children. I don't know though.....just hope.

What I wanted for Mother's Day

Continually reconstructing! Is reconstruction ever done? I just don't think so....maybe we will eventually get done with our house, but I am pretty sure that life is a series of reconstructions.

My hubbie asked me what I wanted for Mother's Day. At first I told him I wanted a new watch but as the week wore away, I knew I needed and wanted this place cleaned up and organized. I am tired, no not tired, exhausted by all the chaos. So....we worked and worked and worked cleaning up. This weekend, we got our sheds cleaned out and redone. Not only did we get up all the wet stuff, we organized, and got miscellaneous paint, tools, and stuff out of the house and put away in the shed. We cleaned out the overhang (trash guys are not going to like us today!) and moved Jon's motorcycle so we could use our parking space. We even got a few plants in the ground! Yay!!!!

I heard from all my kids, Robert (middle son) called-it was sure good to talk to him, Gabrielle (my daughter-in-law), Daniel (oldest son), and some other friends sent texts to wish me happy mother's day. I got to be of service to a dear friend, had some sweet moments with my hubbie, went to breakfast, caught a movie, went to church, popped in to Ihop (second round this weekend), and finished my weekend out visiting with my brother. It was a good weekend, a great mother's day.

The most valuable gifts aren't things at all, but time, the giving of oneself for someone else...and this Mother's Day that is what I got from my husband, his time and him-his willingness to do what I needed to give me some peace of mind. I love him! Jon had flowers for me when I got to church, and he and my daughter gave me a sweet card (and a new purse :) I have to share what they wrote on the cards (and hope they don't mind):

"You are the best mom any girl could ask for. I know this is my last Mother's Day at home and I wanted to let you know a few things. I love you very much, and you are one of my best friends (even though you are my mom.) You have given me a wonderful example of what a wife and mother should be. I can only hope to be half the mom and wife you are. I love you with all my heart mom. I hope you enjoy your day. PS. Don't ever think that you have been a bad mom., that is a lie. Love you, Katherine."

"It's crazy how it's coming on 2 years since I met you. I'm thankful God has blessed me so much, and a big part of that blessing is you and your beautiful family. Whether Katies wants to admit it or not, she is like you in so many ways, and I have you to thank for that. Thank you for raising the daughter that I have prayed about for so many years. Thank you for helping me to be a better Christian, and because of that, a better man. I hope that if I have kids one day that I can be the person that you were to your kids. I hope this day, and the years to come, are full of God's love and blessings. Happy Mother's Day. I love you. Jon"

Wow-thanks Guys. It is moments like those which remind me that everything mattered (especially since there are so many negative moments when life feels futile)! It has been a hard year, a life changing year...lesson after lesson in letting go of those things I have no control of and trusting God to be God especially in the lives of my children. Sunday morning I printed and gathered pictures of my three kids and their spouses to put into a frame (a torche/clock actually) which sits in my den/breakfast room. They will be ever before me to remind me to pray for them, to let them live their lives for better or worse, to trust God's unfailing love and promises, and to learn to live my life with my husband-a part from them. I have been a wife longer than I have been a mother, but both have consumed my adulthood. I am still a mother, but less of. This next year, my goal is going to be to keep changing gears, adjusting my thought life, refocusing on us as a couple, allowing God to reconstruct from the inside out such that my life is in the proper perspective: 1) God 2) husband...and everything else....will have to take a number.

Clearing Out

My daughter, who is a sentimentalist/packrat by nature, has started clearing her stuff out to get ready for her marriage. Most everything we own is packed in boxes in our sheds (as a result of our flood and reconstruction.) She has boxes and boxes of stuff she has collected her entire life. Cleaning out is no easy thing for her because each possession holds a special memory that she does not want to let go of!

I talked to one of my friends this past week. I called her because a tornado hit her neighborhood, and I wanted to check on her family. In the process of that conversation she told me about a yard sale her youth group was having this weekend. I asked her if she was taking donations, and they were. Ah Ha...somewhere for all this extra stuff to go, AND we get to help their youth group take a mission trip! Perfect!

The yardsale is today, so Kat and I worked on clearing out some stuff we didn't need yesterday. We spent a few hours going through boxes of her clothes, collectibles, notes and cards, little toys and trinkets. We sat in the driveway with stuff scattered all around us. It was certainly a trip down memory road! The funniest thing was her journals. She stumbled on an old journal from around the age of 12. In it, she was writing about a conversation she had had with Veronica, a "sister" to her for years. Vero had been asking her who she liked in the youth group. Kat said no one, but Vero pressed and asked if she had to live with one of them, who would it be? Kat answered Shawn ( a best friend's brother) because she thought she could handle him, but then she added: But not Joe, no not Joe! What makes that so funny is that five years later at 17, Joe would be her first love. She thought she would be marrying Joe. We all thought she would be marrying Joe. It seemed to have God all over it, but as it progressed, some things became apparent. She became frustrated at his lack of Spiritual leadership, and her inability to do anything about who he was. They came apart at the seams leaving her devastated for nearly a year. The next two relationships she would get involved with would be similar. The guy wasn't firm in his own beliefs and who he was was a stark contrast to who she is. We got through that time of her life, the wiser and the stronger as women, as mother and daughter, and as Christians.

God had a different plan, and His plan is a good plan. I am so thankful it has worked out the way it has. I am so thankful she is with Jon, and he is the right man for her. He is a man who can hold his own, is serious about his own faith and his own growth. He complements her and balances her, and she him. Our little trip down memory lane reminded us of where we have been, where we were headed, and what we needed to clear out. (Not done with the clearing out yet-just getting started!). The journey makes the new life before her so much more real and so much more closer!

These last moments are sweet moments, but sobering. My daughter will be married in a few short months. I won't wake up in the morning with her here. I won't hear her laughter every day or see her eyes sparkle. She is right-I am going to miss her.

A Weekend in Oklahoma

This weekend we took a short jaunt to Oklahoma, my first visit to Sooner country. (I only know it is Sooner country because my soon to be son-in-law is determined to educate me in the art of OU football and believe me there was no shortage of Sooner fans there!).

We went to meet Jon's parents and brothers. In a recap...Jon is the middle child with an older brother and younger brother. Katie, my daughter and his soon to be blushing bride, is the baby with two older brothers. They were both raised as homeschoolers/private schoolers, have a lot in common, being raised very similarly. I found myself with a lot in common with Jon's parents.

He had filled me in so I knew a little before I got there. His dad had a stroke a few years back forcing his mom to become the family provider. He told me she was nervous meeting us. I was a little nervous too, but quickly got over that. I was a little hesitant spending an entire afternoon with people I did not know, but knew it was important. Jon was so excited about being home and getting to introduce Katie to his family as well as being able to show her around his turf.

Talking to his mom, I was struck by her strength. Here she is in her empty nesting years trying to deal with the hand life has dealt her. We never know what lies before us. In a moment life can turn in a direction we never dreamed possible. Sometimes I really stop and ask myself the "what if" questions. A dear friend of mine lost her husband at the age I am right now. What would I do if I was suddenly widowed? What would I do if my husband had a stroke and was no longer able to provide for us? I would like to think that I would have the same strength of character that these women I admire have.

This weekend was also my last Easter with my daughter at home. It was my last Easter basket adventure for my children [sigh]. I have loved doing Easter baskets all these years and look forward to sharing that with grandchildren. ( I did get to do one for my grandson and my sweet Caitlyn this year-but they are still too small to appreciate the fun in it!). My daughter told me I needed to go all out since it was my last one! LOL...don't know that I did that, but it was fun to do these for Kat and Jon. They wore their outfits home (I didn't do Easter outfits for either of them-they got sweats instead!).

We had a full weekend, and we are tired! I am lazing around today, having done nothing so far but watch Runaway Bride with my daughter [smile], check the laundry, and pick up a bit. I have to work today, and of course reconstruction calls, but somehow that doesn't seem all that important now! Gee, might be time to take stock, re-evaluate my priorities, and live. Live with a purpose that surpasses this temporal moment and takes in the big picture.

Mature Thinking

ThoughtsWeek of 08/08/05
"I could be wrong."
Mature thinking involves realizing that we can never be 100% accurate in how we interpret another's thoughts, words, or behavior. Even if we are 99% sure, there is always a 1% chance we are wrong. Thus, we must adopt a more humble, tentative attitude about the accuracy of our mind reading, and its resulting negative conclusions. We must ask ourselves if we might be being overly negative in our interpretation of our loved one's actions. Or we might have misunderstandings stemming from differences in their perspectives—and is not the result of some negative trait of the other person. (Smalley Relationship Center Online)

http://smalleyonline.com/articles/truth/thoughts.html

Mature thinking??? Hmmm...does mature thinking come with maturity?

My brother called the other day. He is having struggles with his marriage and his children. His kids are early teens (and the fun begins!). We were chatting about that-him sharing where he is at-me trying to encourage him. In that conversation, a transformation took place in me that must have been bubbling up for some time. I had NO answers for him! All I could tell him was that I didn't know, but I could pray for him. There was a day when I thought I did know. There was a day when I would have spouted off all the should do's, could do's, and of course what I did...but now my children are grown, and I honestly have no idea. I was wrong about so many things. We have spent the better half of the last few years, we being my husband and I, questioning what we did and what we could have done differently. I have looked around at other families we grew up with. Their children are grown too, some married, some not, but most of us would say that it didn't turn out the way we thought it would. Our kids aren't who we thought we were raising them to be. I did this Bible study once which had a section on child raising. It was called, "Your Baby Has The Bents." Children are born with a bent towards ___________. Fill in the blank.

I don't know if all the positive enforcement, all the moral training, all the freedom we gave them to explore who we thought they were (guitar lessons, Civil Air Patrol, 4H, piano lessons, sports activities, etc...) mattered much. They are who they are, which psychologists say was established before the age of 12. (Makes we wonder what we were doing from age 12 t0 18!). Mature thinking....maturity doesn't necessarily come from age, does it? I know older people who aren't very mature, so does mature thinking just happen as we age? Is it on purpose? More importantly, am I there yet?????