Today is the Day

A year ago today is the day that we got the call that Larry Ward had passed away. My husband was packed and had set the alarm for 3:30 in the morning to head down to Ft. McCoy to see his dad, but not minutes after the alarm went off, he got the call. January 14, 2017 was the day that Larry took his last breath. Last year, we had tickets to the Shreveport Orchestra. Since there was nothing we could do now but sort through the aftermath, Steve made the hard decision to go with me to the concert before heading south. It was a hard decision to make since in our 34 years of marriage, we had always jumped in the car, dropped everything, and showed up whenever anyone called. Our life had been about trying to minister to our family, and then my mother died. The week before she died, she had a stroke and was aspirating on her food. She needed me to jump in my car then, and I didn't. I was so angry at always being that person in the family. My siblings rarely showed up, and I thought it was their turn. We got the call  on January 5, 2015 that she wasn't going to make it and went to Florida. We were by her bedside as was my siblings when she left this world on January 6, 2015-Three King's Day. The whole situation impacted my life  in ways that I could not begin to verbalize here. I learned a lot about my self, my family, and  at that moment, I knew that my life had to change. I  fought anger for days and weeks and years after that loss. In an attempt to deal with those emotions, we walked away from who we were and quit answering those calls. I changed my number. I didn't and haven't talked to my brother since. Am I still angry,? No. Would I talk to him now, three years later? Yes, but really, we don't have anything to talk about. He may still be there person he was, but I am not the person I was.

As the 2017 year came to a close, and I began this 52 journey, I realized that all those moments of my 52 years, good and bad, have brought me to this moment in time. They formed me. Coming to terms with who I am because of where I have been is allowing me to move forward to the person I want to be. As I reflected on these memories, I knew that I wanted to honor the lives of those who have impacted our life. Larry's life impacted us. My mother's life impacted mine. Since Three Kings holds so many specific memories, it was a day I wanted to include in my new traditions.

This year's Three King's story begins with another story: My mom had this potbelly pig that according to my other brother wasn't supposed to get very big. This pig grew to be over 400 lbs. It was huge. My mom loved Georgia girl. She lived in the house with mom, a little Jim Walters house that was less than 800 sqft. We so picked on mom about that pig. We had to step over her to go anywhere in that house. She was a cranky thing too and would nip at your heels. It is such a funny memory now that I can't think of mom without thinking about that pig. So....this year, Three Kings was all about pigs. All the grands got one gift that was pig related. Vivie got a big eyed Ty pink pig, Aaron got a pig game, Seth got a Fisher Price farm book. Steve got me the greatest fluffy pink pig slippers and the cutest pig coffee cup.

That brings me to my sister. Our relationship hasn't been ideal. I was more of her go to than an equal. We spent a few years not really talking much even though we live about 15 minutes from each other. Stepping out of the "go to" role in her life has brought us to an equal footing. We are learning how to just be sisters. I knew my sister really struggled with  the loss of our mom, and I wanted to share my new tradition with her. I was trying to figure out what to get her. I had been looking at all things pig. I found pink tea mugs at Burlington, but somehow manage to break them by the time I got home. Hmm....looked up a crochet pattern and thought I would make her some slippers which was a bit ambitious. I even bought the yarn...maybe for her birthday, but in two weeks, not happening. I really wanted my sister to have a gift, the right gift.

Clearing out my email one day right after Christmas, I come across a Build a Bear ad. I browsed through it and discover their promise pets line, a pink pig! I was beyond excited. I instantly knew that was what I wanted to do. I read through it and found that I could order online and record a message. Steve had just emailed me the voice mail I saved from my mom. I am the only sibling that had that recording, and I wanted to share that with my sister. Long story short, I ordered us both a pig. I named them both Bobbie and gave them my mom's birth date, Nov. 13. I also recorded a personal message for Sonja as an intro to mom's message.

On Three King's Day, my sister came over for dinner. She walked in and saw this pig sitting on my couch. I watched her looking at it. I have no idea what was going through her mind at that very moment, but I walked over to it and picked it up. I handed it to my sister and told her it was hers. I picked mine up too. I told her we have twins! We played the recording. The emotion was evident on her face. It was the right gift at the right time.

We had hunky soup, King Cake, and Jello Cake (my sister's first time to make it like mom used to). A new tradition has been established. I loved everything about the day. It was a day of remembrance. New Year's Resolutions might be a thing for some people, but for me, looking back is looking forward.

Today is the day, not unlike any other day, but it is another day to remember where we have been so we know where we are going.

Oh Christmas Tree and Ode to New Traditions

 

 For years I have added Christmas ornaments for each of my grandbabies to my tree in whatever theme I was going with. At the end of the season, I pack those ornaments away for the day that they have families of their own and will be able to decorate their own trees.

This year, I read an article about creating new traditions in the light of a loss.  Because this year begins a new chapter in our life, I wanted to create new traditions. (Not necessarily throwing out the old ones, but choosing which to keep, and which to add). Just a few moments ago, a friend sent me a picture of a Christmas 8 years ago at my house. Our tree that year was construction themed, and sitting at our table (the same table) was my mom and Loyd. Time goes by so fast! I hadn't even remembered that my mom was with us that Christmas.

 This year I decided to add a new tradition, ornaments to commemorate the lives of those who are no longer with us. I didn't do a full size tree this year, but I stayed with a theme. In honor of our new camping life style, I went with a rustic theme. I managed to add ornaments for my grand babies, a few new ones of my own, and the commemorative ornaments-all to that little tree. I added a black bear (Larry), a cross made of olive wood with the Lord's Prayer in Spanish (Toni), a burlap map of Arkansas (Loyd), a Willow "The Love of Learning" (Melanie), and a pig (mom) all to my little 3 ft tree. Each of these ornaments represents a life and a story. I will pack these ornaments away too and next year choose a different set which will tell a different story. (Larry-yours next year may be apple pie. I am liking the idea of a food themed tree!). I may be in my camper next Christmas, but will still make room for this new tradition.

The short story I submitted to the contest  I mentioned in an earlier post was a Christmas story. The contest closed Christmas Eve (I will be checking that in just a moment to see if the winners have been announced). I toiled over what to write about. I wanted to do a historical fiction and did some research to that end. I wanted to include Louisiana in there. I wanted to get Three Kings in there, but in the end, I wrote about what I knew. I wrote a story about change. I wrote a story that looks forward to this new chapter of my life.

Christmas Epiphany

Lisa, a Florida born navy brat, hadn’t spent her 52 years celebrating Christmas in all the traditional ways. Yes, there were years when the extended family gathered and enjoyed a Christmas dinner together, but her family was built to wander. Most military families are. Celebrating Christmas takes on new meaning when Christmases are spent away from family or among cultures with traditions alien to what you know.

This year with Christmas fast approaching, Lisa couldn’t help but think on all these past experiences and wonder what lay ahead. Now that all the children had grown and established their own traditions, what should she do? Should she dig out all those Christmas decorations from the storage shed?  Should she hang stockings, lights, or continue with a themed Christmas tree?  Was it all really necessary?

For years, she had attempted to create Christmas family traditions that focused on Jesus’ birthday. When the kids were little, there was a birthday cake for Jesus and the hiding of baby Jesus throughout the month of December.  She had loved the idea that they had spent the season looking for Jesus. They opened their presents on Christmas Eve and their Christmas stockings Christmas morning.  She smiled when she considered all those Christmas mornings she woke up early to lay those stockings on the foot of her children’s beds.  She had hoped some of those traditions would spill over in to her grandchildren’s lives too. Maybe her children would celebrate Christmas in some of the same ways they had as children. She sighed. Maybe not.

With her feet tucked under a blanket and coffee in hand, she thought about it all. This year no one would be coming home. Her mom had been gone for a few years now, passing away on January 6, Three King’s Day, a day she had enjoyed celebrating with her sweet Spanish friend. That friend is gone now too. Father in law, Aunts, Uncles, Friends, so many had passed on. Everything had changed. She had changed. Traditions that had seemed so important no longer did. She needed new traditions, traditions that reflected this new life she was living.

Her mind wandered back to sweet memories of Three King’s Day celebrations, three simple gifts, her friend, her mom, past regrets and future hopes. She reflected on what had mattered the most. She longed to explore, to reach for what she couldn’t yet see, but knew was out there, somewhere.  Isn’t that what the Kings’ did? They set out on a quest, expectant, believing, and hopeful. She gazed outside her camper window at the morning sun peeking through the trees.  Glancing left, she spotted the barely visible North Star on the horizon. She put on Christmas music. She thought about putting up a tree and setting out the nativity scene, but she called her dad instead.  Legend says it took the kings two years to find baby Jesus. Maybe she could find what she was looking for in just one. 

Table Fetish?

Anyone who knows me knows I have this thing about tables. I always seem to have an abundance of them. Just this week, three different tables have occupied this very spot. Earlier this week, a little drop leaf with two Windsor chairs took up space here. I picked that one up this past summer when I realized we were moving back into our house and no longer owned a breakfast table. My former breakfast table  (definitely one of my all time favorites) now lives at my son's house. My little drop leaf found a new home just a few days ago. The space sat empty for a few days until we moved our newest table, a square counter height table with two bar stools into the breakfast room. That was a temporary move. That table is moving to a new home next week.
The table in my breakfast room had been sitting in storage for several months, before that, it lived at my sister's house, but before that, it had a long history at my house. As a matter of fact, hidden under this table cloth are scars that have more than a few stories to share. Stories that include homeschooling not only my children, but a little boy named Joshua that lost his life to cancer at six years old and a middle school aged girl who was struggling in public school. Her mom and I became the best of friends, sharing a cup of coffee and our lives at this same table. She is gone too-cancer also. This table has moved with us from house to house. We have shared birthdays, holidays, and family dinners all at this table. I completed my bachelors and master's degree at this same table. We planned my daughter's wedding around this table. We have fed missionaries and pastors at this table. My brothers, sisters, mother, nieces, nephews, and grandson have eaten at this table. It has seen hours of homework, sewing late into the night, tie dyeing, painting, and Play-Do creations.
Today, we went and got this table out of storage. I scrubbed it for two hours, and each minute of that time, I thought about this table and all the moments around it. We are going to have one more Christmas meal at this table. One more time before the chairs go live at another home and the table goes back into storage until my daughter is ready to refinish it. One more...one more table...and I finally realized what my obsession with tables is about. It isn't the table. It is what the table represents.  Tables are gathering places. They are places where memories are made. They are places where we live our life and share our stories. This table has lived about 25 years now. I hate to replace it, but I have to. My father in law's table is calling to me. It is an old table too-a Formica table with padded rolling chairs. I will need to scrub that one too, but as I do, I will think about all the moments we shared with him around that table. He is gone now, but the table is going to continue to live...at my house.
Hi, my name is Tina, and I have a table fetish. I am not in denial, and I don't need help to get over it. I am just going to sit down here at this table and plan the last Christmas meal I will share around it (That is until it finds new life at my daughter's house).

Not A Solo Venture

Today is December 16, almost one full month past my birth date. Not that that fact is any way important except that nearly 4 weeks of my 52 have already been used up. In these nearly four weeks, I have experienced some firsts (some not even on my list-UBER for example).

Two weekends back I took a trip to Austin, Tx with a group of teacher friends from Stanley. We went to go see comedian Eddie B. I haven't spent much time going to comic shows, can only recall a few times and nothing on this scale. I can't say it is something I ever want to do again, but I did enjoy the fellowship with people I dearly love. We had numerous conversations that weekend that usually began with, "Have you ever...and ended with me adding to my 52 list,. One of those conversations was, "Have you ever been to a Buc-ees? Me, "no," hence a pit stop at a Buc-ees. For those of you who don't know, it is a very large truck stop. I was impressed and wandered around the store for quite some time. I parked in the farm decor section and after much inner debate settled on a cast iron see no evil, hear no evil, speak no evil pig hook for our camper which takes me to another story....the camper.

The camper represents this new direction we are moving in, but we realize that looking forward requires we also look backwards. We didn't get here by ourselves. We did't come to realize that choosing life was indeed a choice until we faced the truth of loss. Those loses continue to impact our living. I want to remember where we come from. I don't want to forget what we have learned. Every step of this 52 will be a redefining. Fast forward to today.

Today, my sweet friends and I went to an Escape Room. That was on my list. I hadn't done that yet. I told my friends Lyn and Vanessa-we spend all three of our birthdays together every year- that I wanted to do that this year. Two others, Jenny and Martha, joined us too. Five of us, all teachers, tried our hand at solving the puzzles and getting out of the Asylum. It was not at all what I expected, but we worked hard at figuring out, but did't make it in time. (I actually knew it would be tough for me because I am in no way a fast thinker!) Teachers, Asylum, we felt at home! It was a lot of fun and definitely something we want to do again, but that adventure isn't really what stuck with me today, what did was an epiphany-I am not alone in this new journey.

I began this 52 list with the thought that I wanted to live a life without regrets, but this list isn't just about me. It is about all the lives I share and how all of our lives are interconnected. Each item on this list involves someone else. I really began understanding that when the writing of a short story got me looking for a writing contest. I found one and told Kat about it. She jumped in and wrote a story, and she began blogging again, and she began thinking about her book again. I am thrilled. What I thought was happening was "me" exploring my new direction, but it wasn't just about me. It was also about her.  Her story is really good, and  I almost didn't write one because of hers, but I did write and I submitted it. (I will share mine a little closer to Christmas). Despite how it turns out, we shared a moment. We created a memory. We did that today too at The Asylum. We did that in Austin, and we did that last week at the camp ground. We will continue to do that with every new step. That "we" might just be my husband and I. It might be a friend I haven't seen in awhile. It might be one of my children or a grandchild.  It might be an old trusted friend, or maybe a new friend. Whoever shares these individual moments with me, I know this...this is not a solo venture.

One Week Later

Its official. I have been 52 for exactly 7 days. Today is November 26-the last day of my Thanksgiving break. Like so many other Sundays, going to sleep is nearly impossible. I am not really feeling anxious, and I do take meds to help my brain at night, yet here I sit at 10:44 pm with a cup of hot sleepy time tea composing since sleeping is not an option right at this moment.

Since I have begun this 52 journey and so many things on my list are not really things I can accomplish in a week, let me talk about what this past week has meant. First: I got started memorizing the book of James (and am up to 1:6), and at the same time got to work on memorizing "Annabelle Lee" by Edgar Allen Poe. Beginning that process has already changed my thoughts. I spend less time thinking about situations or things in general because those moments are used to memorize. Memorizing is a kindred spirit to meditating, so I think on what I am memorizing...while I do laundry, cook dinner, make the bed, clean the bathroom,...

I also took time out this week to begin really learning chess. I bought a book. I googled. I played a game or two on my iPad with my built in instructor, and then I went to a real game board. My husband and I tried one of the classic opening moves with the counter moves. That changed everything. That game took hours, and we finally called it a draw. It was challenging and interesting. I am looking forward to mastering the game (which I am thinking may take many years).

We bought a lottery ticket. Yes, we did. We discovered on Monday of last week that Wednesday of the same week was the draw. We learned a little about how it is all done and stopped by our Circle K to get a ticket. I approach the counter and tell the clerk that I want to buy a lottery ticket. She asked which one. I responded with, "I  don't know. It's my first time." Both clerks stopped and looked at me with such a puzzled look that I found myself wanting to giggle. Next, they made recommendations. We picked three power ball tickets, a lotto ticket, and a scratch. Total cost: $8.00. Total win: $0. No big deal there; I spend more on coffee than I did on those tickets. It was fun to speculate, but I know that the probability of winning a power ball is ridiculously unlikely with 1,564,031,349 different number combinations for the first five digits. I am more likely to get eaten by a shark or struck by lightning.

Next on the list: writing every day. Some days I write in a short story starter book. That has begun the creative juices flowing again so much so that I looked up writing contests. I plan to enter one for Christmas...just a 500 word one, but an entry none the less. That got me thinking about what I wanted to write. I am leaning towards historical fiction which of course led to research. Where would I set my story and when? New Orleans, maybe, at Christmas? What traditions might be included? Research, research, research. Writing every day also includes journaling about Scripture which made me start thinking of the SOAP method and all the other methods for analyzing Scripture that I have been taught. I chose SOAP and jumped in.

All of these ideas are bouncing around in my head and then the question of how. How do I take dance lessons? Turns out there is a studio here that I can do just that. Add dance lessons to my January list. What about zip lines and jazz clubs and out door music festivals? Yes, those are on the list too.

One more thing-we want to travel. I want to travel. Yellowstone, Dollywood, Arlington National Cemetery, Chicago, and the list goes on. Black Friday, while other people are fighting the crowds to buy tvs, we decide to check out some RV's we have been looking at online. That decision was prompted by the camper we inherited but are unable to sell because of the water damage. They offered us a trade. We took it. We are now the proud owners of a 2018 Heartland Mallard 32 ft bunkhouse. That story could stop there, but it won't. It is something else to learn and experience. First weekend trip is in two weeks. We didn't just talk about it; we booked a camp site. We started gathering what we will need. We have been to the camper twice in the last two days (we have owned it two days), and we are reading, and we are learning. (Steve is learning; I am decorating and organizing)

Learning is life. Changes begin with one step, and that is what this 52 list is accomplishing, already, just one week in. It is a conscious decision to be different. One week in, 51 more to go.

Small Adventures

Some times when I think about changes that I want and need to make in my life, I forget that really, it isn't the big things that have the most impact, it is all the little ones that stack up minute by minute to create a life well lived. My 52 list isn't just about those big things; it is so much more than that.

One of the items on my list was to color my hair in an unnatural way. That may seem like nothing, but it is something I wouldn't normally do. I usually go with something very close to my natural color. My students and friends suggested everything from blue, to gray, to rainbow, but when I considered my options, red seemed a good choice because I can still work without it being an issue. My hairdresser chose a burgundy kind of red and layered it underneath, blending it in on my ends. She did a marvelous job, and I love it. It is different, even down to the curls she put in (Not that I am going to spend time curling my hair every day...!!!). 

Maybe coloring my hair isn't a radical change, but it did give me a sense of accomplishment. I did something I don't normally do. I gave my hairdresser freedom to be creative, and I trusted myself to be ok with the outcome (She did remind me that it is just hair color, and either way it can be fixed!).

Somehow making a decision to make a 52 list has already changed me. Not only did I have my hair colored today, but yesterday, I also bought a book on chess and studied some rules of the game. I spent time as we ran errands learning about the game and discussing what I was learning with my husband. Steve and I played a game last night using some of the new information we learned (just saying...playing with purposeful moves and counter moves was very challenging, and thinking I could master chess in a year may be a little ambitious). Today, I began memorizing the book of James which at three verses a week will take just under 40 weeks, and at my daughter's suggestion, chose Annabelle Lee as the piece of literature I will be memorizing.  All decisions to better myself by changing how I spend my time and resources.

I could be doing so many things or nothing at all, but each new learning experience is an adventure, and each small adventure will stack on every other until I have built a year of firsts. I am strangely excited about every new possibility.

52 List

The last time I blogged in 2010, I wrote about value and the realization that stuff is just that-stuff. A lot has happened in our life since that moment. Let me just recap: I finished my MAT from LA Tech and went to work for Stanley High School. I have since then moved to Haughton High School. We worked on remodeling our home which became an overwhelming and never ending chore. We leased our home to friends and moved into an apartment. We downsized. We lost my mom. We lost Margie and Steve's dad. I lost two very dear friends to cancer. Relationships were broken. We were disappointed and hurt over and over and over. We decided that we needed to let some people go in order to find our own way. We changed churches-twice. We lost another great man that I counted as a dad. We even lost our dog, Maggie. We gained a precious grand daughter and a long awaited grandson. The Lord gives and He takes away. Every relationship has impacted our life in some way, but the stuff in our life is still that, stuff.

We find ourselves full circle. We are back in our house, trying to work on it and repair it, but that feels pointless in light of the city's intent to buy our property. We still have stuff to weed through from our parents and an estate to settle. All we really want to do is sell everything and go on a road trip, and that adventure is calling our name. We have started clearing out and selling what we don't need. We are praying for both the houses and the inherited camper to sell this school year. We made some steps toward downsizing 3 years ago, but now we are serious.

Today is my 52nd birthday. The weeks leading up to this birthday had me thinking...its time to live. Its time to experience some of those things that keep getting put on the back burner. I started a 52 list-a list of 52 things that I haven't done yet in my lifetime that I might want to try. Some are simple things and others involve taking a trip. Some involve stretching my mind, others my body, others my will. This year may be the year I finally find some element of balance in my life. It might be the year that I learn to love myself unconditionally and let go of some of the pain and rejection that has haunted me. As I sit here knowing the house needs dusting, the laundry is piled up, papers need grading, and there is a host of unfinished projects everywhere I look, I have to ask myself, what does any of that matter if all my life is about "doing" and not about "living"?

First thing on my 52 list: Blog again

Value

What really matters? It sure isn't stuff. Going through these past two years has been a lesson in just that. The night of the flood, I kept reminding myself that it was just temporal. We lost alot, and it really wasn't the stuff that was the issue, not so much the loss, but the wedding through it all. It was the clean up, the chaos, the incredible mess that lay before us that was overwhelming and brought tears. How would we ever do this, I had no idea, but we did.

We did. We tore out walls, floors, looked inside spaces that were just gross. Water bugs falling out of the ceiling, rats running under the couch, oen walls and floors meant all kinds of critters, mold, and more mold, wet insulation, warped paneling...pretty nasty.

And cars...we sure went through the cars. To count we have gone through 6 vehicles and are in two new ones. That wasn't all flood mind you, three were wrecked. Nonetheless, it is the first time in our life that we have owned two really dependable vehicles. I am loving it, but lest I forget what is really important, God gives us opportunity to share them, and we do. We remember the other days, the ones when we didn't have a good vehicle. We remember the days when we were solo. There didn't seem to be any help in sight, but God hadn't abandon us. He brought us through and He provided.

We are nearing the end of this adventure. We are taking the walls out of the last room that has to be done. It has been just over two years. The walls have dried out and so has the insulation, but the mold is there. The outside of the house looks pretty rough and neglected being as so much of our attention has gone into the inside. I guess we really aren't nearing the end...just the end of a phase, but my what we have gained.

We have grown as people, as a couple, and as Christians. We understand what it means to rely on God and trust what we can't see. So little phases us. We just know God has it, and no matter what it looks like, we just know...it isn't about us, it is about God. There is peace in that. God has so provided our every need. We have more income than we have ever had. We are able to share our resources, our time, and our ability and really....that is the best part of the adventure. Another need...not a blink...what matters, what is of greatest value? It isn't stuff. It is sharing with others what God has given to us, and when we do, we get to give back to God, and when we do, He keeps giving. That is value.

Really?

Has it really been a month since I have had anything to say? There are times in our life when silence is the way to go, and since G0d knows that I don't tend to "be still" without some prompting, He prompts!
School let out....me with big plans for what I was going to accomplish this summer....and then it began....the doctor's visits. I ended the school year with a horrid sinus infection, and at the same time had contracted poison ivy. Nearly a month later, three rounds of steroids, and lots of antibiotics, benadryl, and antihistamines, I think I might be on the way back up. I sure hope so because this is NO way to spend my very short summer.

Steve and I are back at work on the house. We are finally in the house (at least for the moment) by ourselves and can work at our own pace. We brought over our stuff from storage and have begun weeding through that. I am amazed at what we have that I am not sure why we do! Needless to say, the goodwill pile has been growing.
The guest room and office are such a mess as we work through this stuff. This morning I decided I had had enough of the living room lack of order and since I had unpacked some things that went in there, decided to clean it. What fun I had cleaning it and "moving in." After two years, I am getting to decorate a little, and I am thrilled!


The rooms aren't the same anymore. The color schemes are different. What we like is different than it was back then, so we ponder over what to keep and what to ditch. In this latest treasure hunt, I discovered the church made of Popsicle sticks that Daniel made, my Spanish keepsakes that literally came from Spain, my mantel clock from Italy, and my welcome plate made of solid copper straight from Turkey. Those are priceless items and definitely keepers, but where to put them???
The church went back in its original spot on the book shelf behind the couch. The clock went back in the living room pretty much where it was preflood, and the rest, hmmm...I am thinking my "blue" room (Katherine picked out the color before she got married because it was her room) might be my Spanish room. Blue isn't much of a Spanish color but it just might work.
I love going through this stuff, not because the stuff has any real inherent value-it doesn't- but it represents moments in our life together. I look at that little church and remember Daniel deciding he wanted to make it, so he did. He designed it, built it, and painted it. It is no doubt one of my most treasured possessions. (You really have to see it to appreciate it!). I look at that clock and remember when Steve was TDY to Italy. Everytime he went TDY, he brought something back, hence the welcome plate, the shepherd lamps, the clock, the puzzle box, the mink blankets.

I am pretty sure that we are getting to the best part of this remodel!

Not quite done yet. We started taking the walls down in the last room last night, and emptied out the vanity in the main bathroom so we could get started on that. Lots of details left but we are getting there....and....when we do.....we will need a new hobby!

School Is Out

My goodness, I could not have imagined how hard I would work and how exhausted I would be. These past few months have been a blurr as I have studied, planned, dealt with students very much set in their own patterns of thinking, my own homework, my relationships.....and I could keep going, but enough already!

I went into this situation as a learning opportunity, not sure how it would turn out, and honestly, there were quite a few moments when I just wasn't sure that high school math was going to be my thing. I certainly love a challenge, but attitude, attitude, attitude, all day every day-just a bit tough. Lesson planning got easier, but the day never seemed to go according to the plan. It made me wonder about the point of it all! Looking back on it, I am so thankful for all the experiences of my lifetime that led me to this point and the support of my greatest fan, who never lets me forget that teaching is my purpose in life; it is what I was created to do; it is living in my sweet spot. I have a new contract and new challenges before me as I plan this summer. Prayer is where I am going to start. I looked over my roster yesterday before I finished up and took a moment to start praying for my kids....the ones I have already shared with and those I expect to have next year. I packed up my teacher manuals, the school handbook, and anything else that looked helpful. I have to master Algebra I, Algebra II, Geometry, Advanced Math, my calculator and my smartboard! My mission: to get it all straight in the two months I have and go in ready to make a difference.

On a personal note: I am so glad to have some me and hubby down time. I didn't have to rush out the door this morning which gave us some time together, and then there is lunch and dinner together. It isn't all the big things which I treasure, but the small moments that turn into a lifetime. I see a datenight in our very near future!

Considering the Past Few Weeks

Welp....the jeep is in being repaired and should be good as new shortly. We had to turn in the rental today...kind of sad. I really liked the Impala. I am now borrowing my brother's truck which he is graciously loaning me for the moment. Steve, however, is in a sweet (new to him) F150. It is alot like his old one, but newer, with a few less dings and dents, and few more bells and whistles. It is quite pretty and very manly (do those things go together?)! It is actually the first time since our earliest days that he has picked out a vehicle for himself. I do think it is about time!

In the meantime.....

I have been teaching now for about 2 weeks. YAY...I am making it....whew...lots of sleepless nights right now though as I grade papers and plan lessons. Research, research, research....am loving teacher tube! Today was midterms-and after only two weeks with my kids-wasn't sure how that was going to go. Basically, about 50/50. I had some really good grades and some really bad ones....but none of that was the highlight of my day. My highlight was my first block Algebra class (the freshmen).

I have been stressing to them the importance of teamwork. We are attempting to achieve a sense of camaraderie among our students. I have been teaming them up and calling on the stronger students to aid with the weaker. Yesterday, they took their midterms. Now, from the getgo, I have been shifting responsibility for their learning to them and encouraging them to reach. About half of them were failing when I walked in, and about half of them failed the midterm. Before giving them their midterm results, I passed around a picture of my son (Robert). The picture is from his wedding. (Not related to this story, but it turns out that one of my students dad is a retired marine and his mom is a New York Italian!). I share with them about Rob's struggle his senior year and his decision to join the Marines. I also shared with them the "No man left behind" philosophy and how it relates to them as the Freshmen class. I told them a story he told me about his group getting ready to test and how they helped each other. I couldn't begin to relate here how that came out in the classroom, but it was a teary eyed moment for all of us. After that, I gave them their tests back, worked some problems, discussed with them what they needed to do now, and worked with some individual students. Those making up work went to their desks, and I went about checking on students, grading papers, that kind of thing. I stopped and looked around; several students had pulled up chairs next to struggling students and were helping them. I took in the situation, was so proud of them, and fought back tears. One small step for Algebra....one giant leap for the Freshmen Class. Thanks Rob for inspiring another generation. Thanks Rob for inspiring me. They are fruit to your account too. Love ya son!

Horse Anyone?

We are considering "horse power!" After all, they have to be just as durable and cost efficient. Two wrecks in two weeks. Steve goes most of his life without any accidents, and here we are in a two week stretch. Maybe his reflexes are slowing...hmmm...food for thought!

2 weeks this Sunday, we plowed into a truck doing about $9,000 worth of damage to our jeep. We however got out with barely a

scratch. That was our first air bag experience. That next Monday we were in a rental and on our way to Florida. We got word while we were in Florida that the jeep was repairable, but it would take a few weeks. That was good news, because we were already dreading new car shopping (although, I am enjoying this Impala I am driving with its dual a/c controls and remote start!).

Today, my first day in my new high school classroom, as I am driving home and filling Steve in on the day's happenings, he yells
and the phone goes dead. I am thinking, "that can't be good." I wait and wait and wait. He calls me back to tell me he has just been hit. He was driving on I20 when a car on his left hits the guard rail, bounces off and hits him, sending him sliding and spinning down the interstate. As he is trying to compensate and straighten the truck out, he gets hit a few more times by the same driver who has lost control of their vehicle. Finally, they both come to a stop. He gets out, checks on her, calls 911 and directs interstate traffic till the police arrive (LOL-only as I attempt to picture the scene...and he is not a happy camper, not laughing a bit).

He calls our insurance (yet again) and assures them this one was not his fault (Still...LOL), and they tell him he has to get a rental because the driver's side door is caved in and will not open. Ok...so off he goes tomorrow to get ANOTHER rental while BOTH our vehicles are in the shop! FYI....we are getting to know the people at Yokem and Enterprise quite well.

I did tell him that he is certainly going to desperate means to get a new vehicle....it would be simpler to just pick a new one out and buy it...or there is that horse option.

It Can Always Get Worse....

Even the worst of days could be worse....so I am told...and am sure is a real possibility! That whole do over thing I mentioned in my last post-still thinking that might not be a bad idea; however, this past week has been one of those weeks I do not want to do again!!!

Caitlyn was in the hospital for a week with pneumonia. We were in and out of there helping with her, and trying to make it possible for Tonia to go to work. In the midst of that, and exhaustion already setting in for everyone, we get a phone call. My mom is having surgery-which we knew-but weren't getting the correct information. We are weighing, go or don't go? It is Sunday week now and the decision has to be made. As we are heading to lunch on Valentine's Day, discussing all of this, we get in a car wreck. The air bags deploy, the cabin fills up with smoke of some kind, and we are sitting there stunned. Steve takes stock, makes sure we are both ok, and then tells me we have to get out of the car, which we do. As it turns out, our dear friends were a few car lengths back, had already pulled over, and were waiting on the police. The police were there in seconds, the car was towed, and our friends took us to lunch and back home. We changed clothes, went to the hospital and stayed with Caitlyn till late, and then came home to do laundry. So the week begun.

These kind of things are supposed to come in threes, but I am sure we were more in the six or seven range. Steve spent the following day getting the rental settled while I watched Caitlyn so Tonia could go to work. At 4ish when Tonia got back, ran back to the house, packed clothes, jumped back in the rental and headed to Florida. We arrived at Eglin AFB at about 4 am, got to the room, took a shower, got dressed and went to the hospital. I could give you a blow by blow but it would be too dreary, so let me sum it up mom had surgery, came through that, is in a regular room right now, and amidst the drama and lots of it, there was chaos, tears, lack of sleep, and GOD.

It was more than evident God was at work in the situation, in our lives, and the lives of my siblings. He provided for us in more ways that can be counted, and although it ended badly (for me anyway), I know that it is all in His plan. He opened doors that should not have been open to us, and made available resources to all of us that should not have been there. What we were able to do in a week should not have been possible. What lies ahead, I have no idea.

I do know, we are home now. Caitlyn is out of the hospital. My mother will be released soon, hopefully to a rehabilitation program. My brothers were phenomenal at a time I really needed them. Katie helped with Caitlyn so Tonia could go to work. My husband was supportive even in my lowest moments. I did get to spend a few minutes on the beach. We slept in bunk beds (quite comical), but didn't sleep much. We are really glad to be home, and were really glad to be in our bed and sleep, sleep, sleep.

A new week....this one is not going to be any easier. I have a job interview on Monday which I had really hoped to be a little more rested for. I have a unit plan due tomorrow which I will spend the rest of this day attempting to accomplish (while my husband surveys the financial damage done during the trip). The unit plan is going to be work enough, but I also have a research paper due on Thursday, yep, and.....a baby shower for my sister tonight at 4:30 that I just have to make! Hmmm....God multiply my time and fill me with wisdom in managing these moments!

With a Bang

This year began with a bang....and I have had moments when I was sure a do-over was not an unreasonable request! Let me sum up our January:

We began the month with Steve sick. He came down with strep throat and bronchitis, after a few trips to the doctor, lots of medications, and two weeks later, he was back to himself (reasonably anyway). Then my turn came. I got a sinus infection that I just could not beat and once that moved into my chest, I knew a doctor's visit was in my future too. I ended up with a sinus infection and bronchitis, lots of meds, and two weeks down with a few setbacks here and there. So I was nursing a sick husband, trying to balance school work and then I got sick; threw that balance right out of whack!

I ended up withdrawing from a class (something I have never done before) so I could get the other two up to speed. This has been a tough term, and I am not sure why. (Might be my really demanding math methods instructor!) My work load has been almost more than I could bear....and in crunch time now. Next quarter, I am only taking one class: middle school math methods, which should be so easy next to this quarter. (two more to go after that)

February is here....the groundhog was right, we definitely have more winter-snow to be exact. We haven't seen snow here in quite some time, and the last time we had snow coverage was back in 2001. It was such an amazing thing to wake up to this blanket of white. It is just beautiful, but cold....and we don't do cold down here! I am reaching to find winter clothes I can wear out and not be freezing! It would be even more perfect if....Caitlyn wasn't in the hospital. She has been sick all week, and yesterday we were really worried about her. We had had trouble getting any fluid down here all week, and yesterday nothing. She wanted to sleep all day, but coughed and coughed and coughed. She ended up being admitted last night for pneumonia. She is one unhappy camper. She has an oxygen line taped to her face and an IV in her arm. Miserable doesn't even begin to describe how she looks and apparently feels. Sadly....her first snow and she can't even get out in it.

Steve was concerned about our house. We aren't built for this weather, and snow is heavy. So far so good, but it is still snowing. We of course took lots of pictures which we will share shortly.

A few positive notes....our den floor is in. We had hoped to be done with the den but sickness and weather holding is us up. We are in the process of putting up wainscoting (sp?) which is requiring us to stain, measure, and install. That was a last minute decision, but it is a den, and I wanted to protect the walls, and NOT be painting all the time. I am pretty pleased with the color and texture of the room. The walls are an off yellow with a little bit of texture. The floor is our original living room floor, dark 6 inch. wood look vinyl planks. They are in on an angle (gluing those down was quite an adventure-that was the stickiest adhesive we have worked with). Would be nice if we could finish up in there this week, but snow makes it a little rough to stain and polyurethane!

Another positive....I have an interview for a teaching position. My advisor had just asked me if I was going to go student teaching or intern. I told her I had no idea. I had such mixed emotions about trying to work and finish school. The MAT is tough, and although lots of people do that, I am sure they are not rebuilding a house too! My friend, Ellen, at Sylvan mentioned it to me, and it sounded like a position that might really be a good one for me. I thought, well, I need to at least call and see what happens, so I did. I sent my application package in Wed. and got a call yesterday about interviewing for it. I was very excited. It is a little bit of a commute, and I am sure if I get the position, I will have some stressful moments (being as I am finishing up a year in someone else's shoes), but know my heart is ready to step out. I have been reading the GLE's and thinking about ways to accomplish this (through God's grace and in His provision) in a way that maximizes my time with these students' and encourages their success.

Steve and I so want to be where God wants us to be, doing what He wants. My prayer has been just that, so if this is the right place, He will let me know. Steve has been teasing me though, said when I go back to work, he is going to quit! :) (right). He wouldn't know what to do with himself!

Well...that is the update....and I have to get going.

Hoping Not a Foreshadowing

This year is certainly off and running, but hope January is not a foreshadowing of what is in store for the year. It has not been a good month so far.
First: Started too fast, hardly time to catch my breath
Second: We are alternating who is sick

Now, where is the fun in that? Steve was sick for two weeks this month, and I am going on a week now. (That is three weeks in to the month) How do we enjoy the beginning of a new year when one or the other of us has been sick nearly the entire month? Add to that the speed at which our lives move, how do we regroup and get going on the right foot? I don't know either. I just know that sick has not been fun, but it does slow us down...considerably....at a time when slowing down is not a positive.

College classes don't wait for the weary, and for some reason this term has been rough too. The load is hard to bear. I am struggling to stay afloat and get done what needs to be done. I am thinking next term...choose wiser! OK...that is it...it is time to lay down and regroup a bit so I can gain enough energy to get these assignments done!

Oh....and what happened to our weight loss commitment and exercise? You can imagine...not happening right now!

Siblings and New Year's Resolution

My brother came by today and had coffee. We have been living in the same area for about 2 years now. When my siblings first came my way, I thought it was a blessing. It wasn't long before I was really wondering if being this close to family was a good thing. We had a lot of up and down moments, lots of clashes of ideology and personality. There were many days when I was reminded to be careful what you ask God for!

However, now that we have had the opportunity to really get to know each other: our strengths and weaknesses, we are learning to live with each other and complement each other. We are becoming more open to listening to each other and to respond positively....all because God has been so at work in our lives-accomplishing the same end through different means: Conforming us into Christ's image...which admittedly will not happen here on earth, but with God's molding, we will get closer.

We both made a resolve, independently of each other, to focus on the positive, to accept our siblings for who they are and love them...keeping the bridges open. Him and I come from an abusive, destructive childhood that left deep scars in our lives. It impacted all of our siblings, manifesting itself in different ways. In our discussions today, we came to the conclusion that we won't get over it, but we can come to terms with it, and doing so will allow us to extend grace to everyone else. No one really understands another person until they walk a mile in their shoes, maybe that is why God says to not walk one but two. We made a date-to try and get together for coffee once a week. This Friday, I am going to go see my sister for no other reason then to spend some time with her. That is how relationships are built: time, effort, sharing of hearts and ideas, acceptance of our difference, and loving anyway. Off to a good start on this New Year's Resolution. Lord, grace, give us grace in our words, in our actions, and as an outpouring of your grace towards us.

A light in our Family!

Sometimes I need a little light, and often that light comes disguised as my daughter. I could never have imagined the difference she would make in my life and the so many other lives she touches.

Ok...she is sitting beside me, Jon beside her, Steve right behind me...I have an audience. Hard to write and hold a conversation at the same time. They are gone now.

A few weeks back I was whining about family members and the lack of thankfulness and how tired I am of trying to do the right thing when obviously no one cares...I wasn't whining to her mind you, but because God definitely has a sense of humor, that very day, she text me wanting my dad's address. I am wondering why, and she tells me she is doing Christmas cards. That would not be remarkable except that for the last 2o years, her entire life, my dad has had opportunity after opportunity to participate in my kids lives and has done little except make excuses. He can't come because.....no birthday cards, no Christmas cards, no phone calls, nothing....in his defense-he HAS had a few positive moments when it looked like he would come around, but nothing ever lasted more than a moment. He isn't the only one in the family that is true of-actually it is true of most of my family. Year after year, holiday after holiday, birthdays, graduations, weddings, the cards go out, the invitations are sent-no response. For over 20 years, I have sent cards out for every noteworthy occassion to every family member hoping that maybe, just maybe it will matter, and it never has.

There is a point when I am just tired of the trying; this has been one of those years. I decided my Christmas card list was going to be alot shorter next year, and then....Kat called for addresses. She sent cards out to all of those family members, all of them. As uninvolved as they have been in her life, she reached out to share hers with them. Conviction....and she gets still sweeter....

Over and over again the last few months, she has risen to the occasion to be a shining light in the lives she shares. The night before her wedding, she is helping with Caitlyn. She is changing her diaper at 11:00 at night and offering to bathe her willing to sacrifice her last few moments before she marries. Her and Jon were at the hospital to see Tonia the day after they were married, right before they left for their honeymoon. They were at the hospital early Sunday morning when Jaden was born. Today....she got up and went with her dad to take Carson to be neutered, at 8 am (that was rough), in the freezing cold when she felt horrible and has felt horrible all weekend. She offered to split the cost with us and planned to go with me to pick him up tomorrow.

There have been so many times when everything we have done in our lives has seemed so futile; as if it really didn't matter. I wonder what if? What if we had chosen differently. What if we had not homeschooled? What if we had both finished our degrees earlier and pursued our own interests while the kids went to daycare and school and afterschool care? What if? I hit those times when I just don't want to reach out anymore. I don't want to blog or facebook. I don't want to foster any more friendships. I don't want to expose myself to any more pain, any more criticism, any more disappointment. The world seems pretty dark...and then Kat steps up to the plate. She prays, she listens, she smiles, she laughs, she cares, she loves, she reaches out....she lights up the darkness. I didn't make the difference in our family I had hoped to make, but maybe she will.

Welcome Baby Jaden

This has been the year for babies! In one month, we have two new additions to our family. Analeigh made her debut 5 weeks early on December 22, and Jaden arrived yesterday at 8:31 am. We didn't get to be there when Analeigh was born as she was born in Alaska-a very long way from here! However, Jaden was born right here and what a welcoming party he had.

My sister went into labor early Sunday morning. She arrived at the hospital around 4 am; an hour later my brother and his wife arrived. We didn't get the message till 7 that morning (we don't sleep with our cell phones). We got dressed for church, grabbed a few dozen doughnuts, and headed to the hospital, arriving just a few minutes before he arrived. We all got to peek at him as he was wheeled down to the nursery, was able to check in on my sister, and watch the nursery workers weigh him, bathe him, take all the necessary measurements, and feed him for the first time. I took pictures, lots of pictures! :)

He is a big boy weighing in at 8 lbs 4 oz unlike his cousin who was only 4 lbs and 9 oz. He has two big brothers to teach him lots of fun things! [smile] Alex is with us, the younger of the two older, and was with us yesterday when we went back up to the hospital. He has been acting nonchalant until we walked into the room and he saw his mom holding Jaden. He wanted to hold him too! Too sweet....he is all tough on the outside but a softie on the inside-who is he kidding!?

Well...a year comes to a close in just a few days...a year that has been absolutely filled with every kind of heartache, every kind of wonder, and amazing joy! All I can say is Welcome Jaden and Analeigh to this family.

Traditions in the making

Sometimes traditions are handed down through generations, other times they kind of evolve quite unexpectedly. We are experiencing an overabundance of the later, ie...potato heads, theme trees, Three Kings, and Nerf wars!

We have had to rethink how we do holidays since our children are no longer the center of what we do. In the past, we mixed traditions from both of our families and added a few new ones here and there for the purpose of maintaining our heritage and establishing our home on a Christian foundation (new to our family which is lacking in Christian roots). We adopted the tradition of opening gifts on Christmas Eve from my husband's family, but not for the same reasons. His family used to get together with his grandmother on Christmas Day so Christmas Eve was the day his immediate family did their own Christmas. We did that too but so we could spend Christmas Day celebrating Christ's birthday. When the kids were little, we did a birthday cake for Jesus every year on Christmas Day. Since we didn't do presents on Christmas Day, the stockings were a big deal. I would stuff those Christmas Eve night and early Christmas morning sneak into their bedrooms and lay the stockings on their beds!

Steve and I have never done stockings for ourselves, but decided, or maybe I coerced him into agreement....that we should start doing stockings. We did that this year. He had to buy for me and stuff mine, and I his. I am a little more experienced with the venture than he his, but he is a quick study! We really had fun filling and opening our stockings, and can't wait to see how we grow in our "stocking stuffing " each year.

We started having groups over Christmas a few years back. I have never liked the idea of people spending the day alone. I looked around our church this year and was burdened by the number of people that are alone. We are so blessed in that we are only alone when we choose to be, otherwise there is an abundance of people that share our lives. We made some dear friends during Katherine's wedding and during the last few months, we have had opportunity to continue with those relationships. Christmas gave us another sweet time with some of our loved ones!

The Christmas of 20o5 we added our nerf gun war quite by accident. That year, Daniel, Robert, and Katherine were home for the last time together. Hard to believe it has been four years since all three of our children spent a holiday together. It was all young people that year, our three, Afton, and Jonathan. We didn't know what to do as far as gifts and somewhere in there decided on nerf guns. Christmas fell on a Sunday that year so we went to church, came home to have lunch, and then everyone opened their guns which prompted an ongoing nerf attack. They carried their guns with them everywhere they went that year. In 2006 Robert and Gabrielle were married so we spent Christmas in New York, but we did buy Gabrielle and Joe nerf guns when we got back which prompted a few scuttles during the holiday season. In 2007 my brother was with us, and I have no recollection of how we celebrated the holiday. In 2008, we had a group over which consisted of several single GI's. Nobody appreciates a nerf war like single GI's! That Christmas Eve, Steve and I were in Toys R Us stocking up on guns and ammo. (A funny memory...us...in line Christmas Eve...surrounded by all these parents with small children....and a cart full of nerf guns!) It exploded Christmas Day like no one could have imagined. That year Jon and Shawna joined our family. Tonia's boys were here Christmas evening and they too got nerf guns and joined in the chaos. (This year they didn't make the war, but we got them nerf tag so they could play.)

We were actually going to take a break from all that this year and have a lazy Christmas. Not so said the family and it turned out that we had about 20 here for Christmas dinner including a few new ones who ALL jumped in on the nerf attack. This war lasted for quite some time Christmas night. Us "older" women who didn't want to participate camped out in the den and tagged it the "safe zone." Well...someone mistakenly left a gun in there which prompted Kaylie and I to defend the zone. Before we knew it, the kids were giving us the flying ammo and we had quite a stash. We attacked anyone who came near us! That in turn prompted retaliation fire so the "safe zone" didn't turn out to be too safe, and they everyone wondered where all the ammo was going and confiscated our ammo! Days later-still picking up darts.

We didn't buy any guns for anyone this year, but everyone went out and bought bigger guns for themselves after last year's skirmish. This year, there were GUNS! Fun times, sweet memories, and a new tradition has been born. Next year, I am getting my own gun! Oh...and Willis family....we haven't forgotten!

Last Days?

I often wonder just what "last days" means...seems like we have been in the last days for about 2000 years now, but God's time is not relative to our time.



My husband and I have been making new commitments and trying to keep those commitments. We find that in the past we make decisions and last for just a minute-can't keep it up. Right now we are working on diet and exercise as well as growing together spiritually. We have been using a couples devotion for devotions before we go to bed and we are reading individually from the same book in the Bible. We are in 2 Timothy.



Sometimes reading confirms what I already know, other times it takes me by surprise, and yet other times it challenges my thinking altogether. I find it true that whoever looks into the "perfect law of liberty" should be changed in some way. That is the amazing thing about being a Christian; it isn't the outside but the inside that changes which in turn reflects on the outside. That inside is changed to produce fruits of the Spirit: love, joy, peace, longsuffering, gentleness, goodness, faith, meekness, and temperance. Not that all of that is always visible, but we should be growing in them and I would like to think that we are.



In 2 Timothy 3 we are told what it will look like in the last days: Men shall be lovers of their own selves, covetous, boasters, proud, blasphemers, disobedient to parents, unthankful, unholy, without natural affection, trucebreakers, false accusers, incontinent, fierce, despisers of those that are good, traitors, heady, highminded, lovers of pleasures more than lovers of God; having a form of godliness, but denying the power thereof

and then the exhortation: From such turn away 3:2-5

I read that considering and asking, are we there yet? I look around and wonder, how close are we? I know or have experienced first hand nearly everything on that list...and the longer I live, the more those verses ring true. This generation says and does things that were taboo for non Christians a few generations back, and yet...is accepted among Christians today. Hmmm....wonder what does God see from His perspective. How grieved He must be especially at the time of year when we celebrate His great gift of salvation. He provided deliverance, but not just deliverance from an eternity in hell, but also deliverance from a life lived contrary to the truth of His Word. Lord....give me ears to hear.