A light in our Family!

Sometimes I need a little light, and often that light comes disguised as my daughter. I could never have imagined the difference she would make in my life and the so many other lives she touches.

Ok...she is sitting beside me, Jon beside her, Steve right behind me...I have an audience. Hard to write and hold a conversation at the same time. They are gone now.

A few weeks back I was whining about family members and the lack of thankfulness and how tired I am of trying to do the right thing when obviously no one cares...I wasn't whining to her mind you, but because God definitely has a sense of humor, that very day, she text me wanting my dad's address. I am wondering why, and she tells me she is doing Christmas cards. That would not be remarkable except that for the last 2o years, her entire life, my dad has had opportunity after opportunity to participate in my kids lives and has done little except make excuses. He can't come because.....no birthday cards, no Christmas cards, no phone calls, nothing....in his defense-he HAS had a few positive moments when it looked like he would come around, but nothing ever lasted more than a moment. He isn't the only one in the family that is true of-actually it is true of most of my family. Year after year, holiday after holiday, birthdays, graduations, weddings, the cards go out, the invitations are sent-no response. For over 20 years, I have sent cards out for every noteworthy occassion to every family member hoping that maybe, just maybe it will matter, and it never has.

There is a point when I am just tired of the trying; this has been one of those years. I decided my Christmas card list was going to be alot shorter next year, and then....Kat called for addresses. She sent cards out to all of those family members, all of them. As uninvolved as they have been in her life, she reached out to share hers with them. Conviction....and she gets still sweeter....

Over and over again the last few months, she has risen to the occasion to be a shining light in the lives she shares. The night before her wedding, she is helping with Caitlyn. She is changing her diaper at 11:00 at night and offering to bathe her willing to sacrifice her last few moments before she marries. Her and Jon were at the hospital to see Tonia the day after they were married, right before they left for their honeymoon. They were at the hospital early Sunday morning when Jaden was born. Today....she got up and went with her dad to take Carson to be neutered, at 8 am (that was rough), in the freezing cold when she felt horrible and has felt horrible all weekend. She offered to split the cost with us and planned to go with me to pick him up tomorrow.

There have been so many times when everything we have done in our lives has seemed so futile; as if it really didn't matter. I wonder what if? What if we had chosen differently. What if we had not homeschooled? What if we had both finished our degrees earlier and pursued our own interests while the kids went to daycare and school and afterschool care? What if? I hit those times when I just don't want to reach out anymore. I don't want to blog or facebook. I don't want to foster any more friendships. I don't want to expose myself to any more pain, any more criticism, any more disappointment. The world seems pretty dark...and then Kat steps up to the plate. She prays, she listens, she smiles, she laughs, she cares, she loves, she reaches out....she lights up the darkness. I didn't make the difference in our family I had hoped to make, but maybe she will.

Welcome Baby Jaden

This has been the year for babies! In one month, we have two new additions to our family. Analeigh made her debut 5 weeks early on December 22, and Jaden arrived yesterday at 8:31 am. We didn't get to be there when Analeigh was born as she was born in Alaska-a very long way from here! However, Jaden was born right here and what a welcoming party he had.

My sister went into labor early Sunday morning. She arrived at the hospital around 4 am; an hour later my brother and his wife arrived. We didn't get the message till 7 that morning (we don't sleep with our cell phones). We got dressed for church, grabbed a few dozen doughnuts, and headed to the hospital, arriving just a few minutes before he arrived. We all got to peek at him as he was wheeled down to the nursery, was able to check in on my sister, and watch the nursery workers weigh him, bathe him, take all the necessary measurements, and feed him for the first time. I took pictures, lots of pictures! :)

He is a big boy weighing in at 8 lbs 4 oz unlike his cousin who was only 4 lbs and 9 oz. He has two big brothers to teach him lots of fun things! [smile] Alex is with us, the younger of the two older, and was with us yesterday when we went back up to the hospital. He has been acting nonchalant until we walked into the room and he saw his mom holding Jaden. He wanted to hold him too! Too sweet....he is all tough on the outside but a softie on the inside-who is he kidding!?

Well...a year comes to a close in just a few days...a year that has been absolutely filled with every kind of heartache, every kind of wonder, and amazing joy! All I can say is Welcome Jaden and Analeigh to this family.

Traditions in the making

Sometimes traditions are handed down through generations, other times they kind of evolve quite unexpectedly. We are experiencing an overabundance of the later, ie...potato heads, theme trees, Three Kings, and Nerf wars!

We have had to rethink how we do holidays since our children are no longer the center of what we do. In the past, we mixed traditions from both of our families and added a few new ones here and there for the purpose of maintaining our heritage and establishing our home on a Christian foundation (new to our family which is lacking in Christian roots). We adopted the tradition of opening gifts on Christmas Eve from my husband's family, but not for the same reasons. His family used to get together with his grandmother on Christmas Day so Christmas Eve was the day his immediate family did their own Christmas. We did that too but so we could spend Christmas Day celebrating Christ's birthday. When the kids were little, we did a birthday cake for Jesus every year on Christmas Day. Since we didn't do presents on Christmas Day, the stockings were a big deal. I would stuff those Christmas Eve night and early Christmas morning sneak into their bedrooms and lay the stockings on their beds!

Steve and I have never done stockings for ourselves, but decided, or maybe I coerced him into agreement....that we should start doing stockings. We did that this year. He had to buy for me and stuff mine, and I his. I am a little more experienced with the venture than he his, but he is a quick study! We really had fun filling and opening our stockings, and can't wait to see how we grow in our "stocking stuffing " each year.

We started having groups over Christmas a few years back. I have never liked the idea of people spending the day alone. I looked around our church this year and was burdened by the number of people that are alone. We are so blessed in that we are only alone when we choose to be, otherwise there is an abundance of people that share our lives. We made some dear friends during Katherine's wedding and during the last few months, we have had opportunity to continue with those relationships. Christmas gave us another sweet time with some of our loved ones!

The Christmas of 20o5 we added our nerf gun war quite by accident. That year, Daniel, Robert, and Katherine were home for the last time together. Hard to believe it has been four years since all three of our children spent a holiday together. It was all young people that year, our three, Afton, and Jonathan. We didn't know what to do as far as gifts and somewhere in there decided on nerf guns. Christmas fell on a Sunday that year so we went to church, came home to have lunch, and then everyone opened their guns which prompted an ongoing nerf attack. They carried their guns with them everywhere they went that year. In 2006 Robert and Gabrielle were married so we spent Christmas in New York, but we did buy Gabrielle and Joe nerf guns when we got back which prompted a few scuttles during the holiday season. In 2007 my brother was with us, and I have no recollection of how we celebrated the holiday. In 2008, we had a group over which consisted of several single GI's. Nobody appreciates a nerf war like single GI's! That Christmas Eve, Steve and I were in Toys R Us stocking up on guns and ammo. (A funny memory...us...in line Christmas Eve...surrounded by all these parents with small children....and a cart full of nerf guns!) It exploded Christmas Day like no one could have imagined. That year Jon and Shawna joined our family. Tonia's boys were here Christmas evening and they too got nerf guns and joined in the chaos. (This year they didn't make the war, but we got them nerf tag so they could play.)

We were actually going to take a break from all that this year and have a lazy Christmas. Not so said the family and it turned out that we had about 20 here for Christmas dinner including a few new ones who ALL jumped in on the nerf attack. This war lasted for quite some time Christmas night. Us "older" women who didn't want to participate camped out in the den and tagged it the "safe zone." Well...someone mistakenly left a gun in there which prompted Kaylie and I to defend the zone. Before we knew it, the kids were giving us the flying ammo and we had quite a stash. We attacked anyone who came near us! That in turn prompted retaliation fire so the "safe zone" didn't turn out to be too safe, and they everyone wondered where all the ammo was going and confiscated our ammo! Days later-still picking up darts.

We didn't buy any guns for anyone this year, but everyone went out and bought bigger guns for themselves after last year's skirmish. This year, there were GUNS! Fun times, sweet memories, and a new tradition has been born. Next year, I am getting my own gun! Oh...and Willis family....we haven't forgotten!

Last Days?

I often wonder just what "last days" means...seems like we have been in the last days for about 2000 years now, but God's time is not relative to our time.



My husband and I have been making new commitments and trying to keep those commitments. We find that in the past we make decisions and last for just a minute-can't keep it up. Right now we are working on diet and exercise as well as growing together spiritually. We have been using a couples devotion for devotions before we go to bed and we are reading individually from the same book in the Bible. We are in 2 Timothy.



Sometimes reading confirms what I already know, other times it takes me by surprise, and yet other times it challenges my thinking altogether. I find it true that whoever looks into the "perfect law of liberty" should be changed in some way. That is the amazing thing about being a Christian; it isn't the outside but the inside that changes which in turn reflects on the outside. That inside is changed to produce fruits of the Spirit: love, joy, peace, longsuffering, gentleness, goodness, faith, meekness, and temperance. Not that all of that is always visible, but we should be growing in them and I would like to think that we are.



In 2 Timothy 3 we are told what it will look like in the last days: Men shall be lovers of their own selves, covetous, boasters, proud, blasphemers, disobedient to parents, unthankful, unholy, without natural affection, trucebreakers, false accusers, incontinent, fierce, despisers of those that are good, traitors, heady, highminded, lovers of pleasures more than lovers of God; having a form of godliness, but denying the power thereof

and then the exhortation: From such turn away 3:2-5

I read that considering and asking, are we there yet? I look around and wonder, how close are we? I know or have experienced first hand nearly everything on that list...and the longer I live, the more those verses ring true. This generation says and does things that were taboo for non Christians a few generations back, and yet...is accepted among Christians today. Hmmm....wonder what does God see from His perspective. How grieved He must be especially at the time of year when we celebrate His great gift of salvation. He provided deliverance, but not just deliverance from an eternity in hell, but also deliverance from a life lived contrary to the truth of His Word. Lord....give me ears to hear.

New Vocabulary

Our language is forever evolving....new words are continually being added. I have been told the English language vocabulary is the largest of any language. I believe it. I have been working with a new word "unfriending." It is not a very pretty word at all and certainly has negative connotations. Maybe it was purposefully designed to lay a guilt trip on us....to keep this illusion of social networking as a good thing.

Granted....it can be a good thing, but I find that for the most part it is a way to be nosey without really being involved in other people's lives. I pop in on someone else's profile, read a bit, glance through the pictures and leave no footprints. No one knows I was even there. It occurred to me that maybe that wasn't the point of networking. If our purpose is to connect with people, then communication is essential. I have to stop and say hello, leave an encouraging word or comment and pay attention to how I can be used in their lives. Our lives are connected and greatfully so.

After looking at our Facebook friend list, I realized that this was another area that needed to be paired down-we are doing alot of that right now, cleaning out, streamlining so to speak. I went through and asked myself if there was any real connecting going on with those on the list? Was the communication positive and productive? Were we really engaging in each other's lives or just peeking in? Many of those on the list we communicate through other avenues; many we don't communicate with at all. Some it is the only way I have of communicating with them. Those were the questions that determined who we unfriended...and in just a blink...we cut our list down by over 40 people, and I am sure there will be quite a few more to go.

Instantly I started getting messages and phone calls. I expected that, but for some, we haven't talked at all...NOW...they want to communicate. OK...hmmm.....I just have to ponder the implication of that!

I was telling a friend of mine when she commented on how mean that is, that our purpose is to communicate especially with those that we don't share our daily lives with and when that purpose isn't being fulfilled then there just isn't any point to it. I wouldn't keep it at all except there are a few people that we only communicate with through facebook, and those relationships are important to us. My brother hasn't called yet, and I am wondering if he will even notice that I cut him! As much as I love him, if he has time to play all these facebook games but no time to say hello to his sister or even tell her happy birthday, then he doesn't make the cut, and he didn't! Bet he never even realizes he doesn't see me on there.

Making life changes is necessary and making hard choices is part of those changes. My husband and I have to go forward, we have to use our time to the maximum, and social networking is only a positive when it builds connections. We learned new vocabulary....even if it isn't our favorite word...hopefully we will choose better and not have to make these kind of choices too often.

Christmas is about upon us....

It sneaks up on me every year! I know....I know....it is the SAME day every year, but time seems to move forward at a faster rate year by year. It doesn't feel quite Christmas time yet here, but we are getting in the swing of it.

Last week, I settled on a Christmas tree theme-something I have done every year except last year (since we moved into this house). Last year, we had open studs, no walls, no floors, and only one room in the house finished. It is really hard to feel festive under those conditions, but we did do alot in the present area. My brother was supporting my sister and desperately short of space, so we did a tree together. That was really sweet and we spent a good portion of the holiday together. Our son was in Afghanistan, and he was our focus. We kept sending care boxes to him-hating that he was spending the holidays away from his family.

This year: our son is back at home, my sister is married, living in her own home, and expecting a son right after Christmas, and we have completed several rooms including the living room where the tree is! The tree is up howbeit the lights are not all working so we are having to restring our pre-lit tree (kind of negates the point of a prelit tree!), and waiting on the ornaments to arrive.

The theme: I found (yay) tool ornaments-too cute. I was beyond excitement! Doing a theme tree is expensive so I have to be created. I look for things that can be made into ornaments. I ordered the tool ornaments, working metal tool keyrings, and working flashlight keyrings. Keyrings make great ornaments-tie ribbon around them, hooks built in, and you can pass them out to holiday guests!!! Caution tape garland, some coordinating ribbon as fillers and presto: A contruction themed tree! This might be better than the rubber duckies...that one is sure hard to top!

All of that Christmas tree planning got me in the mood so to say and started me looking for Christmas gifts for Aaron and Caitlyn. I collect outfits for Aaron in the in between months (since he isn't here) and usually have a collection to sen when I send a box. I think I am up to 5 outfits right now (I sometimes forget how many I have purchases!). This past Saturday my husband and I ventured into Toys R Us (wow-crazy) and walked out with the cutest Saint sweat suit and talk about cute, cute, cute! I have been showing it to everyone! I KNOW his daddy is going to love it!

I text Robert Saturday to see if Aaron needed anything. He responded with, "A train set." LOL..my children's grandparents bought our kids a train set years ago. For awhile, we set it up around the Christmas tree, but it is in need of attention now soit doesn't usually leave the box. I am not even sure where it is, but my husband says he does. Apparently that train made an impression on the kids, because even Katherine was telling me she wants the train. She got to pick through all the Christmas decs I didn't want so I am thinking that disqualifies her from inheritance of the train set! Hmmm...might have to keep the train, repair it, add to it and make that one of our Christmas traditions.

Well...Toys R Us was a madhouse this weekend as is EVERY other store, so I say, shop the Internet in your pjs! I took that to heart on Cyber Monday and ordered Aaron an outfit and Caitlyn a pajama. This morning I opened up my email and saw an ad from CBD so....had to go check it out. We pretty much know what we are getting Aaron, but Caitlyn??? She loves this little peg game we have on our table from Cracker Barrel. She takes the pegs out and puts the pegs in over and over again. As she was playing with that yesterday, I made a comment, wondering out loud if they made something like that for toddlers, and they do!!! I found it today on CBD, so I ordered it for her. I also discovered a magnetic train set so had to get that for Aaron. I am thinking it will go on the refrigerator but not absolutely sure! Fun, Fun, Fun....although my hubbie gets a little nervous when I call him, "Honey, I am ordering from CBD." "What are you buying?" Then I go through the great deals I just discovered and why I want to get that!!!! He sighs and asks for the bottom line!

[Smile]....He doesn't say no when it comes to buying for the children!

Words, Words, Words

I am a serious thinker....my husband too, except we express ourselves in different ways. Sometimes we don't-express ourselves, I mean!...but we are always thinking!

I love the place where we are because it is so reflective. I almost wish everyone could jump ahead in time to this place, skipping all the experience we have to go through to actually get here! Then again...the experience getting here is what makes life so reflective.

Every new experience reminds me of an old one. Last night our pastor preached an analogy between playing whack-a-mole and attempting to whack out sin in our life to the detriment of living to serve God. (Focusing on the minors when God is so big!). I had to laugh because in early days of Christianity that is what everyone I have ever known does-focus on all these details that we call "sin," some of which really leave questions in my mind now. We focus on the outside acts when the inside is where our attention needs to be.

Words are so important-they reflect what is going on in our hearts. It is NOT ok to say whatever whenever about whomever. The culture we live in that empowers people to live in this mode of self-expression is destructive-not that we shouldn't express ourselves, we should-but in a way that is glorifying to our maker, not in a way that builds us up by tearing someone else down. We don't get to the top by stepping over someone else, and even if we do, the carcasses left in the path leave a legacy I certainly am not attaining to. I have also noticed something else in this same group that "has the right to express how they feel," they can't handle anyone else's feelings. They are always right! They know what is best! They are smarter than anyone else! They do lots of talking, lots of attacking, lots of criticizing, but little listening, little acceptance of their own short comings, and there is certainly almost no willingness to admit failure on their part.

I spent the morning talking with a friend of mine that has been very much a spiritual mentor to me. She helps me find purpose when I am off kelter. What I have gone through in my lifetime pales in comparison to what she has experienced. When we talk, we toss around all kinds of thoughts and ideas. We concluded today that we should all speak less. What we might say in passing, without any real depth to, or without any real meaning could impact a life drastically. I remember hearing some of those things during my childhood. Words that formed my very thinking-and I didn't know it. I didn't know that my thinking was tainted-it made sense to me-someone else along the way had taken control of my thinking. Likewise my words have shaped and mis-shaped lives. My words have had power over my husband. He has loved me and desired to make me happy, and at times given into my words-despite how wrong they were at that moment of time. As a wife, I am learning some very important lessons along this journey, and one is to hold my tongue. What I want to say, what is bubbling to the surface, what feels like self expression at that moment in time, might sway someone else's thinking in a negative direction. My words might destroy someone, wound someone deeply, clip someones wings, keep them from reaching, and most importantly keep them from seeking God's direction, His solution, His will for their life. I have done that-all of the above. My words have hurt others, which was never my intention. My words have misguided others-also not my intention. My words have swayed someone else's opinion of someone else-way not my intention. I never know who is reading and hearing my heart, but if you are one of the above, I am so sorry I did not guard my heart or my words in such a way that you would have been spared from the sting of a word not fitly spoken. I humbly seek your forgiveness, that of my husbands (way too many times I faltered there), and my family who I love dearly and so wish I had had the maturity then that I am gaining now (or at least aspiring to).

Many moments when words could have built another up have been squandered, left unnoticed or abused, but they can't be recaptured now. Hindsight is 20/20 for ALL of us. ALL of us will look back at times in our life and wish we had of thought more before we spoke. We will ALL regret things said and done-comes with this flesh we live in. We can ALL learn to listen more and speak less...because words spoken can't be unsaid. Words that come out of our mouth were first formed in our hearts and is a direct reflection of what is going on in there-often not very pretty, and enough to make the most beautiful woman ugly all the way down to the core.

"A word fitly spoken is like apples of gold in pictures of silver." Proverbs 25:11

Change and more change

We spend alot of our quiet moments together talking about what we want to do differently in our lives. Change is inevitable, but are we willing to really change? Change has not been my strong point AT ALL. I am strong willed but don't often have the resolve to accomplish what is really needed. They tell me that acknowledging the problem is half the battle-it is then when change can occur. So, here we are...needing to make change.

On the way down to San Antonio, I was reading a book on dating your spouse. In the book was a list of men's top five needs and women's top five needs. There wasn't much surprise in the list, but I did realize that in an attempt to meet his need, I was neglecting my own. I wasn't vocalizing and hence, spent some time frustrated. (one of the things we talked about this weekend) I have not been totally committed to meeting my husband's needs either. I was up and down on that one. Let me preface that statement with -just recently I finished reading a different book, and one of the points that stuck with me from that one is the importance of our thought life. I can choose where I let my thoughts go. Sometimes they wander where they should not or focus on things that are destructive-at those points, I have to redirect them. Redirecting my thoughts allows me to focus where I should and hence meet my husbands needs. It isjust too easy to be selfish in a marriage.

Back to where we are at today. We decided that we so need to go to the gym. It has been way too long now. We are not getting any younger and this is a time in our life to regroup. So, I went shopping yesterday for gym clothes and new shoes for Steve. Mission accomplished there-we met at the gym after I got off work. We walked a few laps and then worked the elliptical. My goodness!!!!-I was ready to quit after 2 minutes! He, on the other hand, was steady, barely broke a sweat...and I am slowing down, speeding up, slowing down-legs screaming! :) We did that for about 20 minutes and then cooled down with some stretches. We weighed ourselves before all of this so we would have our starting point. Our goal...2 pounds a week until our anniversary which will put us at our goal weights right about then. We have to make some diet adjustments as well so last night we had raisin bran, and this morning a special K bar. We will have our main meal at lunch which gives us time to burn those calories off. I am excited!

We have done diet stuff before, we have talked about changes before, but this time we are together. We are communciating about all of our needs, emotional, spiritual, and physical. All have their place in our relationship. Communication strengthens every area of our marriage, and is where we need to grow and change the most.

Learning to Live

So much of life isn't really about living, it is about existing. One of the reasons we are taking these little excursions is to refocus our life on ourselves. You can live a lifetime with someone and not really know them. You can talk and talk and talk and not really hear.

This is our second couple trip we have taken since our plunge into empty nesting (howbeit, not really empty around here). We hadn't been to San Antonio in about ten years, and were excited about going back! We spent our days with our friends, catching up with them, just visiting, and eating and eating and eating. I sware I have gained poundage! In the evening we took time for us. Those moments gave us time to reflect, to talk, and work things out in our life.

My brother was over yesterday and chatting about commitment and what it takes to be married as long as we have. People don't always know what is going on behind our closed doors. We don't argue in front of people. We deal with our conflicts in private, but the conflicts do exist. The biggest area we have struggled with is communication with each other-real communication-not about our days, the kids, or solving the worlds' problems, but our own insecurities, our own pain hidden deep in our hearts, our disappointment, the expression of what we really need. Much too much has been left unsaid and now we are learning to share it with one another. At one point during this weekend, my husband said, "I just want to get to know you again." It is different, this time of life. We have to keep reminding ourselves that it isn't about our children anymore. They get to live their lives how they want to, we get to let go and let them do that, and we in turn also get to live our lives without the responsibility of caring for someone else. It has been quite liberating in both a mental and physical sense.

I reminded my hubbie during our weekend that I can't compartmentalize. I can't shut things out of my mind just because I will it. I can't turn it off and on when I choose like he can. My mental state affects my entire being, hence, pre-empty nesting, I was always worrying about our children (didn't fully enjoy the just us moments because my mind was still on our responsibilities). Not that I don't still worry a bit, not that I don't still hurt, don't still cry, I do-but am learning to just let God, let go, and live my life! I might be a slow learner-but I CAN learn! Loving it......loving my time with my husband, loving exploring new things with him, going on new adventures, can't wait till the next one but....

this one first....Randolf AFB is gorgeous. The architecture is very hispanic. I couldn't go anywere without hearing someone speaking Spanish, which reminded me how lazy I have been on that one, and it also reminded me that in our remodel, I didn't plan a place for my "Spanish" things. Hmmm...thinking the blue room isn't going to be blue for long. While at our friends home, I colored with Edith, played with playdoh, drank lots of coffee, Spanish style, and thoroughly enjoyed just hanging out with my friend as she taught me about autism! Steve hung out with Clay and they talked and talked and talked. We attempted to go to the Riverwalk on Friday, but it was ridiculous-all of San Antonio was down there, so we went back to the room and went to bed, really early. Saturday we went to the Riverwalk again. It was better but still crowded. We walked around a bit and then went back to the mall to the IMAX to watch the Alamo. We browsed a few stores and then headed back to the car. We got stuck in a traffic jam in the parking garage. That was a first! After a ridiculous amount of time in traffic, we went back to our room. I had forgot that I can't have expresso after about 3 pm, and had had one earlier with Toni about 4 which robbed me of any sleep Saturday night. I was up till 3 amish. We watched movie after movie till I finally gave it up! We got up Sunday morning just in time to pack up and get checked out on time and go by Toni's to visit one last time. After all that we headed to Ihop and the caverns. Ihop was hopping!!! There was a guy making balloon animals for the kids-watching him was amazing! The caverns weren't far down the road and there we took a tour of these amazing underground caverns. The amount of water under there astounded me. I thought it was going to be dry, but everything was wet, the walkways, the handrails, and we even got rained on undergound-another first!

Then we headed home, a 7 hour drive. Channel surfing, name that tune, coke and a shared moon pie pretty much sums up the drive. Along the way we passed Palestine, Tx which boasts of a train-gonna have to check that out. We are already planning our next trip. We are considering a bed and breakfast in Nachotiches right before Christmas. We have been talking about a bed and breakfast our entire life, but like so many other things, just put it aside. Think we might do that now! We also made some decisions about u,s and tonight we are going to the gym together! We are going to work on making that a regular habit..learning....to live!